Good afternoon, friends.
Let me interrupt your raucous President’s Day celebrations for a quick announcement:
It looks like my first Atlanta show of 2012 will be March 31 at the Five Spot (Little Five Points) as part of The Bitteroots‘ “Central of Georgia” album release party.
I’ll start the night off with a short solo set, then I’ll join Mike Killeen and his band for a bit before the Bitteroots hit the stage and turn the party out.
Looking forward to seeing old friends,
-nb
1. For whatever reason, soup just tastes better to me when eaten with a plastic spoon.
2. Someone told me recently that a half-acre of land doesn’t justify the need for a riding lawnmower. I’m not sure I agree, so I’m still in the market for one (a mower, not a half-acre).
3. A funny conversation I had with with Jessica at Melrose Pub on Valentine’s Day (after a top-notch dinner at Yellow Porch):
Me: Okay, let’s have two or three beers and then we’ll go home.
Jess: How about two beers and a shot?
Me: A Valentine’s Day shot? Really?
Jess: (sing-songy, to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name”) “Shot to the heart, and who’s to blame? Cupid is, ’cause its Valentine’s Day.”
(silence)
Me: What the hell was that?
Jess: I have no idea.
End scene.
Jess has never been too good with lyrics.
4. Yellow Porch feels to me like one of the best-kept secrets in Nashville. Seriously, it’s like no one I brag about it to has ever heard of the place.
5. Another funny exchange between Jess and me:
Jess: I’m glad your fever’s finally going down.
Me: Yeah, at least something’s going down around here.
6. Ring back tones: I’m over ‘em, big time.
7. Last night I dreamed that Al Pacino and I were cops at the same precinct. When I learned he was a cokehead transvestite, I shot and killed him in the parking lot. I rushed home and realized that I was wearing his trench coat, which still had his wallet and gun in the pockets. I knew I had to burn the coat, but I couldn’t find my fireplace because my mom had rearranged my room. Next thing I know, I’m at the Sanford Stadium gate with my UGA football ticket in hand. The lady tells me that she can’t let me in because my ticket is actually a coupon for a free meal at McDonalds.
What does this mean?
8. A funny exchange I heard on the Vanderbilt campus the other day:
(Car creeps by blasting “Notorius Thugs”)
Sidewalk Guy #1: Man, I love this song but forget who sings it. Who is it again?
Sidewalk Guy #2: It’s Bone and Biggie, Biggie.
End scene.
For those who don’t see why this is funny, go HERE.
9. Q: What’s the hardest part about telling a joke?
10: The Breville BJE200XL 700 Watt Compact Juice Fountain is changing my life.
If I ever become a celebrity, then later a washed-up celebrity, I would gladly endorse this product on late-night informercials.
11. A: Timing.
Have a great weekend,
-nb
I just read a story about a Montana man who infiltrates high school sports teams in order to get piggy back rides from players.
According to the article, the 28-year-old man “ingratiates himself with high school sports teams, then hoists his 5-foot-8, 240-pound frame onto the backs of the student athletes.”
“What’s disturbing to me is that he is jumping on our young athletes, he is 240 pounds, and he can hurt someone,” said Mark Beckman, executive director of the Montana High School Sports Association.
I think my brother put it best, saying “I think Mr. Beckman is missing a much more disturbing angle.”
Go HERE to read the full espn.com story. Seriously, it’s one of the strangest things I’ve come across in quite some time.
-nb
Jennifer Hudson’s “I Will Always Love You” tribute at the Grammys was something special for sure, but let us not forget about Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate.
That’s all for now,
-nb
Hi friends.
Just wanted to thank all of you who made it out to Blue Bar Friday night to see Leigh, Dan, and me perform. Thanks to y’all, it was a GREAT crowd and the best show I’ve had in some time.
Thanks to Missy and crew (as always) for showing up rowdy and rip-roaring (as always), and to my Taco faithful (Ian, Taylor, David, Trevor, Cory, Sarah, Malak, Rachel, Ann, Molly, and Annesa) for the there’s-no-reason-we-can’t-hang-out-outside-of-work attitude.
Special thanks to Dad and Janice for driving all the way from Newport News, Virginia, to see the show AND bring me firewood, Leigh Houison for playing a kick-ass opening set and bringing a crew of his own, Dan Fernandez for the wonderful accompaniment, and to Walgreen’s pharmacy for helping me power through the evening.
Finally, a very special thanks to Chuck to hooking us up with the show, the sound, and the laser light show extravaganza.
Until next time,
-nb
Oh, and thanks to Jess for the pics.
I realize my readership (currently holding strong at 13) deserves more than just two thoughts on this rainy Friday, but I just don’t have the time. Forgive me.
1. Please don’t forget about tonight’s FREE SHOW at Blue Bar in midtown. Leigh Houison, the self-proclaimed “Music City Panty Dropper” hits the stage at 8 sharp, and I’ll follow at nine. The transcendent Dan Fernandez will join each of us on stage for a short time for a musical menage a trois, of sorts.
2. Speaking of menage a trois, I’ll leave you with this:
“Squirrels Gone Wild,” as Jess put it.
Hope to see you tonight, friends. It’s shaping up to be a great one.
-nb
Jess thought she was tough because for as long as she can remember she could dice an onion without her eyes watering.
Then she remembered she’s worn contacts lenses every day for nearly fifteen years.
Bless her heart.
-nb
On an unrelated note, don’t forget about tomorrow night’s FREE SHOW at Nashville’s Blue Bar! Music starts at 8 sharp.
There’s been a lot of talk this week about Kobe Bryant overtaking former teammate Shaquille O’Neal to move into fifth on the NBA’s career scoring list with 28, 601 points.
My question is, where does he rank among rapists?
-nb
Hi guys, this is just a friendly reminder about Friday night’s FREE SHOW at Blue Bar.
I’ll be joined onstage by Dan Fernandez (playing guitar and mandolin), and the panty-dropping* Leigh Housion will perform an extended opening set. Music starts at 8pm sharp.
I can confidently say without hyperbole that this show will be the biggest and best show you will ever see and is sure to move you in a deep and profound way. Should you choose NOT to attend, I pray that a merciful God will spare you the fires of hell.
Sweet dreams,
-nb
*Leigh told me he was okay with this moniker, but I’m not sure he was being totally honest.
Me: You know, someone else asked me today if your boobs are fake.
Jess: Really? What’d you tell ‘em?
Me: That they’re real, and they’re spectacular, of course.
(she grins)
Me: Seriously, is there a small part of you that secretly loves that I frequently get that question?
Jess: Two big parts of me, actually.
-nb
Which reminds me, go HERE to purchase official form-fitting NB t-shirts, and don’t forget about Friday’s FREE SHOW at Nashville’s Blue Bar! Also, I imported the above photo into iPhoto, then hit “Edit,” then “Enhance”…and nothing happened. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I guess. Well done, Jess.
1. I love playing pool and drinking beer, but I deeply regret going to Melrose Billiards last night. I think I love the idea of that place so much that I continue to give it chance after chance, but I always end up regretting it the next day. I drank ONE beer last night and I feel like I had thirty. Maybe I’m just allergic to Marlboro Reds and sadness.
2. Just caught some commercial for Spike TV’s Ink Master. Man, it’s good to see that Dave Navarro, at 44 years old, has finally grown out of his douche phase…
Speaking of douche, whatever happened to Chriss Angel (other than this)?
3. A funny conversation I had the other night:
(Sportcenter replays the Blake Griffin dunk over Kendrick Perkins ten times in a row from every possible angle)
Guy: How about you, who’s your favorite dunker?
Me: Well MJ obviously, but there were some Shawn Kemp dunks that really blew me away.
Guy: You’re right, Shawn Kemp was a beast.
Guy #2: (eavesdropping) Whoa, you guys are fans of Shawn, too?
Me: Sure, you could say that. What’s your favorite dunk of his?
Guy #2: Favorite what?
Me: “Dunk.” Do you have a favorite dunk?
Guy #2: Uh, no, I just think he’s a badass songwriter.
(silence)
Me: No disrespect, but what the hell are you talking about?
Guy #2: Same thing you guys were talking about: Shawn Camp.
Me: We were talking about Shawn Kemp.
Guy #2: Never heard of him. Anyway, y’all should check out Shawn Camp sometime.
Me: Sure thing. Will do.
This, only minutes after my regrettable chat with this lady… Also, enjoy these Shawn Kemp dunks for old times’ sake (number seven is clearly the best, but number four receives honorable mention ’cause I think that’s Bill Laimbeer?). Also, remember when Shawn Kemp got fat?
4. Jess has more Twitter followers than I do. This HAS to change. Please help.
5. My buddy and coworker Devin was excited to tell me that the “Final Fantasy XIII” video game will soon be in his hands. My question is this: how can each installment be “final” when it’s followed by another one? I’m confused, like when my mom told me I was playing Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sound of Silence” too loud or when the closing credits of The Neverending Story started rolling.
6. Dear Sara T. Number 8 should have read “too,” not “to.” You were right and I was wrong. There, I said it. Happy now?
7. I’m gonna have to stop listening to 104.5 FM The Zone if I hear that motherf*cking “Sweet Jack dot com” jingle again.
8. Don’t confuse me with this guy, either.
9. A lost remote will most likely be found under Hank.
10. Don’t leave the stage knowing you’ll be back out in two minutes to play five more of your crowd-pleasers. Just work them into your main set, say good night, and we’ll all go home happy. This “automatic encore” thing makes for way too much pageantry, in my opinion.
11. Patriots 27, Giants 20. Madonna, pushing 54.
Have a great weekend,
-nb
Lady: I hate Blake Griffin.
Me: Really? How can you hate Blake Griffin?
Lady: I mean, is he black or is he white?
Me: Don’t know, but what’s that got to do with anything? That guy’s awesome.
Lady: What does he want us to think he is, exactly?
Me: I’m pretty sure he wants us to think he’s a great basketball player.
Lady: Maybe, but I’d feel better if I just knew what color he was.
(silence)
Lady: Anyone ever tell you you look like Spencer Reid?
Me: Don’t think so. What “color” is he?
(longer silence)
End scene.
-nb
Ian: Hey, quick question for you: Christopher Reeve is dead, right?
Me: Big time.
Ian: Are you sure?
Me: Pretty sure, yeah… there was the horse accident way back, and then he passed away five or six years ago, I think. Doesn’t that sound right, Jess?
Jess: Yeah, maybe even earlier than that.
Ian: Okay, ’cause Anthony told me that he’s still alive.
Me: No, I’m pretty sure he’s dead. In fact, I’m growing more confident now. Yeah, definitely dead, Anthony’s wrong.
Ian: What did he die from?
Jess: I think it was complications from the accident.
Me: I think it was the kryptonite.
Too soon?
-nb
I stopped by Subway today on the way home from the YMCA.
As I was paying, Mo (my sandwich artist) said “by the way, I checked out your blog. Pretty good, man.”
This marks the expansion of my NB.com readership to 13! At this pace, we’ll eclipse 20 by August.
Mo, you totally made my day. See you soon, man.
-nb
NOTES: 1) This is not Mo’s first appearance on NB.com — you may remember him from “An Infuriating Conversation I Heard While Standing in Line at Subway” from back in November. 2) Jess: before you get upset about me buying lunch today after we spent nearly $200 at Publix yesterday, you should know that I found ten bucks under my seat this morning, which is basically like God saying “Nate, it is my divine will for you to have that sandwich.” You wouldn’t want to come between God and me, now, would you?
Of COURSE you wouldn’t.
