15 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend (Thursday Version)

1. “Cheese is the bacon of non-meats.” -Chip Evans

2. Remember last week when I said I was 37? Yeah, it took a text from an old friend (thanks TCJ, you son of a bitch) for me to realize I’m actually 36. That’s right, I’m old enough now to be forgetting how old I am, so there’s that.

3. I finally beat my old man in golf. It was always gonna take a good day for me and a bad day for him for it to happen, but by god, it did. Rather than getting pissed that his second-born was getting the best of him, however, Dad couldn’t have been more gracious in defeat: “Nice putt, Nate!” “You’re really clubbin’ it today.” “Proud of ya, son.”

Dad, would it have killed you to cuss or throw a club or something? Geez.

4. After four magical years we’ve decided to downgrade our premium cable plan to the basic, third-world package. It’s a real culture shock, particularly the late-night programming… I mean I’m having to settle for Fox News cleavage, people. Do you know what that’s like for a staunch Democrat like myself?

5. The heavy-set, tank top wearing lady sitting next to me has apparently gotten a bit warm and is now fanning herself with a menu. I normally wouldn’t mind but she’s wafting her middle-age BO right in my face. Stale, sour, and wet. So gross, but y’all already know how hypersensitive I am to armpits…

Also, I’ve never really written out “BO” before. What’s better, “B.O.”? “b.o.”? Nothing looks right all of a sudden but there’s sure as hell nothing funny about “body odor” in long form, am I right?

6. I found this book on the kitchen counter the other day:

Something you wanna tell me, Linds?

7. Bread bowls think they’re such hot shit.

8. I still can’t decide if I’d have sex with Taylor Swift.

9. Speaking of sex, this is how North Chattanooga convenience stores package and peddle adult DVDs (right up front with the 5-Hour Energies and coffee machines):

“Hey, can I get ten bucks on pump six, a pack of Newports, and that pink interracial you got up there? Nah, the other one… the 3-pack.” 

For the record I only went inside for a Snapple. And don’t think for a second the “interracial 3-pack” double entendre (triple, even?) is lost on me.

10. If you drink half of a 5-Hour Energy, are you wired for two and a half hours or only half-wired for the full five?

11. I’m pretty good at a FEW things but I’d trade that to be great at just ONE thing.

12. What exactly is an “honest mistake”? Is this a totally nonsensical term or am I honestly mistaken?

13. As you know, 2014 was not a great blogging year for me but all along I made notes referencing topics I planned to discuss/mock later. After so many months, however, I’ve forgotten what half of them mean. Checking my list as we speak, I’m totally clueless as to what these were ever in reference to:

-Whistle in my teeth, old man now?
-Zombie paintball hayride
-Ben Affleck full frontal, Kevin’s Bacon
-Do not go gently into that Dark Knight
-Wanting to be somebody’s “source”
-Automatic flusher big penis
-Opening a straw is like stabbing motion
-Spoiled women are rarely unattractive

The world may never know.

14. I think I could really shine as one of those trashy Hollywood talk show guys that gossip about celebrities and their relationships, scandals, clothes, etc. But, then of course I’d be one of those trashy Hollywood talk show guys that gossip about celebrities, and that’s just no way to live. Also I’m not gay, which seems to be a prerequisite for males in that line of work.

Let me take this opportunity to say officially that I believe strongly in each’s right to love whoever they want and fully support the LGBT community and its fight for equality. I mean I even kissed a gay man once (no tongue, though Tom will argue otherwise) as part of a deal to get two girls to make out, for whatever LGBT street cred that’s worth.

15. I much prefer getting drunk to being drunk.

‘Til next week,

-Nate

15 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “Nate, are you ever gonna blog again? I’m running out of things to read while I poop.”
-Jason Dillon

2. I was tempted to introduce this post with a big, bold “I’M BACK!” header considering it’s been over a year since my last entry. But, truly being back in form would mean committing to weekly posts, which I’m not sure I’m in a position to do. So, enjoy this post! Just don’t get used to it…yet.

You’re welcome, Dillon.

3. So pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training next week, which is great for die hard Atlanta Braves fans like I used to be. I just can’t do it again this year. It hurts too much. I’m a casual fan now. For real this time.

4. Is this new Jupiter Ascending flick related at all to 1998′s Mercury Rising? If so, how? If  not, shouldn’t it be?

5. A funny conversation I had with a stranger at bar:

Stranger: Anyone sitting here?

Me: Nope, it’s all yours.

Stranger: Great, thanks. So what’s your name, bud?

Me: I’m Nate.

Stranger: Nate, like “Nate Dogg”?

Me: Yeah, like Nate Dogg.

Stranger: That’s cool, man. I love that guy.

Me: You mean “loved,” right?

Stranger: Whaddya mean?

Me: Nate Dogg’s dead, man.

Stranger: Wait, what? Really?

Me: Yeah, he’s been dead for years.

Stranger: Well, that explains why he’s not answering my emails.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

NOTE: Though Nate Dogg is best remembered for his “smoke weed every day” cameo in Snoop Dogg/Dr. Dre’s 2001 “The Next Episode” and his half of 1994′s  “Regulators” with Warren G, I would argue that his vocal stylings in Snoop’s “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homie’s Can’t Have None)” (off 1993′s Doggystyle) represent his finest contribution. But hey, that’s just me.

6. Early during last week’s ice storm I tried to get my truck up and out of my driveway but ended up sliding back down, through the bottom of the driveway, and into my backyard.

The more I tried to free myself from the ice the closer I came to sliding right off into the woods. To add insult to injury, my next-door neighbor Nancy (she must be 100 years old) stuck her head out her window and offered to call me a “wrecker.” Embarrassed enough already, I declined and told her I’d just wait for the ice to clear.

Lindsey’s Honda Fit motored right up the driveway the first time without any problem while my truck was getting stuck, of course. It was extremely emasculating, almost as much as when celebrity chef Aaron Sanchez called out my tiny penis* on camera in front of a would-be national audience during a recent taping of his new show–but I’ll save that story for another time.

*It ain’t tiny, just ask your mom.

7. I hate my singing voice. John Lennon hated his, too. I suppose that’s about all he and I have in common, that and the fact we’ve both been with Asians.

8. Just how essential can these “essential” oils be if I’m 37 years old, never used ‘em, and seem to be doing just fine?

9. I’m tired of people using the excuses “I’m too tired” or “I’m too hungry” or “I’m too drunk” for everything. I mean, aren’t most of us feeling one of these things 90 percent of the time?

10. For Valentine’s Day, Lindsey gave me this customizable little Mad Libs-style book and filled in all its blanks to describe how she feels about me (MOST of it was sweet!). I paused when I flipped to this page, however:

“Why blue?” I asked. She answered, “because you’re pretty, but also sad.”

Huh.

11. Speaking of which, I don’t know if it’s seasonal anxiety disorder, mild depression, frustration, early onset mid-life crisis, late onset ADD, malnourishment, general apathy, or what, but I certainly haven’t been feeling like myself recently. Hell, I’m not even sure I remember what that’s supposed to feel like. Maybe I just need exercise. Maybe I should just go to bed earlier. Maybe I should try writing music again, which always feels good, but I’m always too tired, hungry, and/or drunk.

12. A funny exchange I recently had at work:

Coworker: Nate, if you weren’t running a restaurant, what would you be doing?

Me: I dunno, I’ve always wanted to try my luck as an adult film star.

Coworker: Interesting. First things first, is there anything sexual you wouldn’t be willing to do?

Me: Good question. I definitely don’t want anything in or near my butt.

Coworker: Hmm, okay. Well, what about really large women?

Me: I don’t want them near my butt, either.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

13. In case you’re curious, a WAHL Lithium Ion Detachable Blade Trimmer buzzes perfectly in key with “Champagne Supernova” by Oasis. If you’re somehow even more curious, that key is A major, which means you can tune an orchestra to that shit.

On a not totally unrelated note, does the intro music for Real Time with Bill Maher sound to anyone else like a slightly sped-up and disjointed version of 2Pac/Dre’s “California Love”? Sure as hell does to me. As always, it’s all in the bass line.

14. Speaking of personal grooming, if you’re thinking about trimming your chest hair with your girlfriend’s manicure scissors in one hand (while talking on the phone in the other) so you’ll look halfway presentable in the v-neck sweater you’re planning to wear in a non-profit fundraiser check presentation photo-op you’re already late to, I would strongly advise against it as THIS sort of thing can happen:

Yeah, carved a big chunk out of myself before remembering I was supposed to be wearing the T-shirt anyway:

Just about bled through the damn thing. Also, what’s wrong with my neck?

15. I used to wear vintage clothes from time to time until “vintage” came to mean “hipster.” Those were some good years.

Have a great week,

-Nate

Thirteen Humpday Thoughts

1. “You’re like your older brother, but… evil.” -Gabriel Vinas, to me, circa 2006

2. I’d go to more outdoor music festivals if it weren’t for all the people that go to outdoor music festivals.

3. When I was little there was this man at our church that all the adults called “Flabby Abbey.” Everybody loved him but I remember always feeling a bit sad for the poor bastard.

4. Ever feel like your life’s been misallocated?

5. Yesterday I fell for one of those internet tricks where I’m told to “look closely at the following image for [this or that]” which compels me to put my nose six inches from the screen right before some terrifying image appears out of nowhere accompanied by some hellish scream and I have a heart attack and nearly shit myself. It just about ruined my day.

6. I’m no Hugh Grant super fan or anything but I recently caught the last half of Notting Hill on TV and mentioned to Lindsey how funny and charming I think he is. She freaked out a bit, saying she hated him and that she doesn’t see how anyone could ever like him. We haven’t spoken since but we’re working through it.

7. If it “goes without saying” then there’s no reason not to keep your mouth shut, right?

8. You know those little cardboard thingies they put around to-go coffees to keep them from being too hot to the touch? Well I was on the way out of Edgehill yesterday morning when some lady pointed to my coffee and said, “hey, sorry to bother you, but would you mind telling me where you got those little sleeves?” I answered, “They came with the jacket, of course.” She gave me a sardonic “ha ha” before turning to walk away.

What’s wrong with people? Don’t they know how hard it is to be hilarious before 8am?

9. A few things I learned on a recent trip to Decatur:

  • Nobody cares about the wedding musicians, and they shouldn’t
  • Never assume that a 400 pound man with a glass eye is lousy at shooting pool
  • A credit card will not double as a hotel room key no matter how many times you swipe it
  • Siam Thai is still the best Thai restaurant in the universe
  • Kevin Durant is better at basketball than I am
  • Chick-fil-A has introduced more spicy chicken items to its menu but has discontinued its bleu cheese dressing and as such will soon be receiving a strongly worded letter from yours truly
  • Some movie called Vampire Academy is coming out
  • That Drake guy isn’t funny

10. I had a real bad lisp when I was little. In fact, in kindergarten I had to take spethial thpeech clatheth inthtead of getting to go to rethess with all the non-retarded kidth.

I hated missing recess but I’m so I got the help I needed. Thankth, Mom and Dad.

11. I’m gonna start making more “international waters” jokes. I’m three for three this year.

12. I saw this billboard yesterday over on Craighead:

So… is this guy supposed to be the patient or the doctor?

13. I wouldn’t wish having my brain on my worst enemy.

Enjoy the rest of your week,

-Nate

Also, I just joined Instagram. For a new post every two-three weeks, follow me at @nathanbeaver13.

13 Thoughts Headed into the Week

1. “I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.” -J.D. Salinger

2. A funny exchange between Lindsey and me:

Lindsey: Check out the fridge, I bought groceries including the pork loin in the meat drawer.

Me: Cool, thanks. Whaddya want for dinner?

Lindsey: Dunno, but I definitely wanna pork something.

Me: Couldn’t agree with you more.

3. I’m embarrassed to I think about the cassettes I used to play in the car back when Mom and/or Dad (usually “or”) were driving me all over town. I guess back then I was too caught up in the beats and melody to really hear all the lyrics, some of which were particularly unsavory. For example:

“Poison” by Bell Biv DeVoe: “me and the crew used to do her,” “keepin’ one eye open, still clocking the ho’s,” and my favorite, “never trust a big butt and a smile

“Scenario” by A Tribe Called Quest: “Bust a nut inside your eye to show you where I come from,” “Yo, bustin’ out before the Busta busts a nut,” “yeah, my man motherfucker

“Gett Off” by Prince: “22 positions in a one-night stand,” “move your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby,” and of course, “get off” (about a hundred times)

If I’d known just what the lyrics were (and in many cases, what they meant) from these and other songs I’d have been mortified to play them in front of my parents. Come to think of it, what were Mom and Dad doing letting me listen to that stuff anyway?

4. Recently I’ve seen these guys high-stepping around my yard shortly after sunrise.

Sure, I’ve fallen asleep to Wild Turkey dozens of times but waking up to it is totally different.

5. I took Lindsey to a nice dinner last week as part of my Christmas present to her. They walked us to the very back of the restaurant to one of those half-booth/half-table things, where the booth seat looks out at the entire restaurant and the chair seat looks at the wall. Before I could say anything Lindsey took the booth and we sat down to eat.

Well, the truth is that I desperately wanted the booth so I could keep an eye on all the exits (saw it in a spy movie years ago) but I kept my mouth shut in fear of ruining her Christmas. The things we do for love, right? Luckily by my second glass of Tempranillo I’d stopped worrying about some double agent sneaking up on me from behind.

6. Some days I feel like I’m the best boss ever, but most days I wonder why anyone would ever put me in charge of anything or anyone.

7. I’d enjoy shopping at Guitar Center a lot more if nobody worked there. Seriously, those guys are the worst.

8. We got a new coffee maker so I’ve making been drinking a lot of coffee at home. Sometimes after adding my cream and sugar I pull a clean spoon out of the drawer, stir my cup with it, wipe it off using my shirt/pants, and return it to the drawer. Is this wrong?

9. Do y’all remember those Big Johnson T-shirts that were so popular many years ago? I never owned one (my folks wouldn’t let me) but it seems like everyone I knew had at least one and wore them proudly. The concept was always the same but there must have been a hundred different designs, like this one for example:

Brilliant, I know. Can you believe folks like you and I work our asses off to make ends meet while some jerk makes millions and probably retires early producing these? What a stupid world.

10. I think I’d like to be a frequent caller to some radio talk show. You know, I’d call in regularly to offer interesting thoughts on whatever the day’s topic might be, which would grant me a good rapport with the DJs… they’d be all, “Nate from Nashville, good to hear from you, bud! How’re ya doin’?” and I’d say, “Not too bad, guys, not too bad,” then they’d say “Whaddya got for us today, Nate?” then I’d offer some hilarious comment or anecdote for all to enjoy. Yeah, that’s something I could really feel good about.

11. After Spring soccer was over my sophomore year of high school I was awarded “Most Improved Player” by Coach Sohrabi. Is there any more of a back-handed compliment than winning “Most Improved” anything?

“Son, here’s a plaque to commemorate how much you didn’t suck this year.” Thanks, Coach.

12. After rereading this post and those from the last couple of weeks I’ve just realized something: I’m not any better than the guy who designed all those Big Johnson shirts, just a lot less rich.

13. I HATE even numbers.

‘Til next week,

-Nate

13 Thoughts Headed into the Week

1. “I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -”Uncle Kurt” Vonnegut

2. At 35 years old I’m having to accept that regular maintenance of body hair is just gonna have to be way of life from here on out. Just this week an employee pointed out to me two rogue hairs, one shooting out from my left eyebrow and one (a “half-incher,” as he put it) from my right ear. If that weren’t bad enough I’m now having to check my nose hairs each morning where before I only needed to assess and address them every two to three months.

Sure, I’m getting up there but at least I have fifteen more years until my first prostate exam. My first official one, at least.

3. I was thinking about getting one of those “Still ‘Hood” decals installed across the top of my windshield. These are definitely cool, right?

I think it’s important to adequately communicate to pedestrians and other motorists that not only was I this way some time ago but that I still am, after all these years, “‘Hood.”

4. Remember last week when I said I’m gonna stop trying to be funny all the time? Well, I just remembered the very first day of First Grade at Arcado Elementary when Mrs. Edwards called me out in front of the whole class for cutting up, adding that “the last thing we need is a class clown.” Though I disagreed, I was totally humiliated. In fact, I don’t think I said another word for two weeks in fear of being reprimanded.

A smarter, well-adjusted kid would have learned some sort of real life lesson from this but all I got from it was that man, Mrs. Edwards is real bitch.

5. Speaking of which, the TV’s on and it just hit me that — brace yourself — the crusty old British bitch from Downton Abbey is the same crusty old nun bitch from Sister Act!

How ’bout that?

6. I wonder if I’ll ever be typecast.

7. A hilarious (and infuriating) conversation I had Friday morning with Patty the Suntrust teller:

Patty: Welcome to Suntrust, what can I do for you?

Me: Hi there. I’m actually here to check on the status of the new debit card I ordered. I placed the order over a month ago through that gentleman (pointing) but two weeks passed and it never came. I then asked you about it and you told me it was never issued so you reordered one for me.

Patty: Sure, I remember you.

Me: Well, that was nearly three weeks ago and I still haven’t received it. Can you help me figure out what’s going on?

Patty: No problem. What’s your account number?

Me:  I don’t know if off hand, but (digging in wallet) maybe you can pull if off my current card even though it’s–

Patty: (taking card) Perfect, that’ll do. (swipes card) Huh… (swipes again) I’m not getting anything here.

Me: Right, you see that’s the card that–

Patty: Let me try swiping it with this plastic bag, that always does the trick (swipes again).

Me: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s gonna work because–

Patty: No, hold on now, I usually have the magic touch (swipes again). Well, maybe not… Hold on, give it just another sec (swipes again, still nothing). Huh, looks like we need to get you a new card, Mr. Beaver!

Me: Exactly. That’s why I’m here.

Patty: Oh, right (giggles). Of course. Well, Mr. Beaver, your new card should arrive in about eight to ten business days.

Me: Thanks. Fingers crossed.

End scene.

I bet everything in my Suntrust account that I’ll have the same conversation with Patty in another eight to ten business days.

8. Last night I dreamed that I went to buy a new car. The salesman told me he’s wasn’t supposed to let me see the lot because I’d ridden my bike there, but that I should wait inside while he asked his supervisor. While inside, another customer kept reaching out and pulling the chest hair exposed by my v-neck undershirt. I tried to punch him in the balls — which were right in front of my face because he was ten feet tall, you see — but I kept swinging and missing. His son took pictures of me while they both laughed. Finally a female customer asked me why I’d ever wear that jacket out of the house claiming that I “look ridiculous in pink silk.”

What does this mean?

9. I only recently learned that when some guy dates a much younger girl it’s called “ROBbing the cradle,” not “ROCKing the cradle.” Thanks a lot, Billy Idol.

10.

So, serving… everybody?

11. Karaoke emcees think they’re such hot shit.

12. Speaking of which: sometimes when using the bathroom (the sit-down kind, not the stand-up kind) first thing in the morning before my shower, I don’t flush immediately so as not to affect the water temperature and/or pressure. I usually remember to flush after my shower but in those rare cases like this morning when I’m in a hurry and forget, poor Lindsey stumbles upon my little surprise a few hours later and texts me about it (NOTES: 1. “Marlene” is Lindsey’s middle name. 2. “Ham and cheese” is an expression we use internally to denote the utmost degree of honesty):

I’m pretty sure it won’t, at least.

13. I learned a new keyboard shortcut this week! Instead of hopping to the mousepad to change fields from “To” to “Cc” when composing in Gmail, just hit “Command+shift+up arrow+C” instead! Totally awesome. You’re welcome.

Until next week,

-Nate

17 Thoughts Headed Into the Week (Tuesday Version)

Normally I like to post these “Thoughts for the Week” blogs on Monday… Hell, I would’ve liked to post it two months ago but sometimes things come up like second jobs, surgeries, and dogs licking your butt hole (yeah, see below)…

1. I was thinking about getting some of those “transition lenses”… you know, those prescription glasses that self-tint in brighter environments. Those are definitely cool, right?

2. When I was little I used to whack lightning bugs in mid-air with a tennis racket and marvel at how they’d streak like little comets across the sky before falling dead to the ground. Or, I’d put them in a jar and watch them piss around for five minutes before I’d move onto something else, leaving them to die of starvation and/or boredom. Now, I feel pretty terrible about both.

3. I used to believe that there are no such things as stupid questions.

4. During my college years in Athens, my friend Matt once took me out to the rock quarry where he and his friends used to go party during the summers back in high school. After doing it himself, Matt dared me to jump of the quarry’s cliff into the seemingly bottomless pool of water 40 feet below. I jumped without hesitation. After crawling out of the water and climbing back up top, however, the second jump — or getting myself amped to go through with it, at least — proved much more difficult. For whatever reason it took me at least 20 minutes of focused pacing and self-administered pep talks to even attempt to do again what I’d just done easily a few minutes before.

But why? Why was it scarier once I knew just what to expect? Sure, the first fall was intense but I splashed down safely. Sure, the water was eerily dark and its depths increasingly colder but I made it back to the surface with ease. The whole thing seemed to work against conventional wisdom: the “unknown” hadn’t been scary at all while the recently familiar shook me to the core.

I don’t know what any of this means but surely there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. If any Southern Baptist preachers out there want to use this, it’s all yours.

5. I recently caught that band Linkin Park on TV playing some outdoor show in front of what had to be half a million people. Which is weird to me, cause I’ve never met one person that likes that band. Maybe they were opening for Paul McCartney or something?

6.  Last weekend I went to Santa’s Pub after having told myself I would never go again. Then I danced, which I swore I’d never do again. Yes, I fucking danced. Like, to music. What’s wrong with me? I need to set reachable goals.

7. Awhile back, when I was blogging regularly, I scribbled the following note in hopes to remember a dream I’d planned on sharing with y’all later:

“escorting a pantsless customer to the door…I’m gonna show this lady what I’m made of”

I sure would like to remember what I was planning to do to that lady.

8. Valets think they’re such hot shit.

9. I learned over Thanksgiving that nobody loves me more — and finds me more annoying — than my brother, Andy.

10. Speaking of Thanksgiving, here’s an exchange I had Thursday with a gas station clerk just north of Dalton, GA, on my way home from Atlanta:

Me: Hey there, how are you?

Clerk: Beef jerky and Mountain Dew… you’re gonna ruin your turkey dinner, aintcha?

Me: Actually, no… I had a great Thanksgiving dinner last night, the only night I was able to see everybody on that side of my family.

Clerk: Huh. Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

Me: Uh, if the purpose of Thanksgiving is something other than to share a wonderful meal with your loved ones, then yeah, I guess. Thanks. Happy Holidays.

End scene.

11. Took this picture recently… regardless of how you feel about our Commander in Chief, this is funny, right?

People get SO sensitive about politiks.

12. Luckily I’ve never had to hear the Miranda rights myself but when cops say that part about “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” — are both the “can” and “will” necessary? Wouldn’t either alone suffice?? Who knows? Also, who cares?

13. Speaking of cops, the closest I’ve ever come to being arrested was either 1) the time Ben Blue begged the would-be arresting Brentwood police officer not to search his car because, as Ben put it, “we’ve been honest with you about being stoned and smoking pot* so why would I lie to you about not having any weed in the car?”, or 2) the time I got pulled over (and subsequently “breathalyzed”) for speeding while racing to get to work at Southern Cross Horse Ranch/Bed and Breakfast one morning after staying up ’til 4am drinking Maker’s Mark with Josh and Charlie in Athens (which was customary in those days).

Oh yeah, and then there was the time I played a show in Columbus, GA, drank three beers, took a two-hour nap in the green room, then drove back to Madison (where I worked at the aforementioned SCHR/B&B) and got pulled over for speeding at Exit 113, one short of my Exit 114. The officer smelled stale booze on my breath and had me do all the field sobriety tests, which I aced. He let me go home with a warning to “slow down ’round here” and wished me “good luck in my artistic endeavors.” I gave him a CD. For free, of course.

14. Don’t think it doesn’t bother me that these “thoughts” read much like all those “[enter arbitrary number here] Things You Didn’t Know About Me” posts that seem to be so popular on Facebook these days.

15. This morning upon stepping out of the shower I immediately smelled a Cooper turd. Without getting dressed or even drying off I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and headed towards the pile of poop waiting for me in the guest room. As soon as I squatted to pick it up Cooper himself snuck up from behind and licked me right in the asshole. I nearly hit the ceiling.

I can now say definitively that I do NOT like that — a tongue in my asshole, I mean. Sorry, ladies.

Also, this is Cooper:

FYI he’s a lot cuter when you’re not holding a steaming pile of his shit in your hands.

14. A few days ago I overheard some businessy guy at a coffee shop say to two underlings, “I mean, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, did it really happen? Of course not.” I didn’t stick around long enough to hear how he brought it all home for them, but man, what a cheese dick.

15. I just remembered a song I used to love in high school, “Alien” by Bush. I just Googled it. In addition to the song itself, this came up.

The song no longer does it for me but the pic sure does.

16. I decided that I’d like to be crowned 2014′s “Comeback Player of the Year.”

17. I’m gonna try to stop being funny all the time. Nothing smells worse than desperation.

That’s all for now,

-Nate

* Sorry Dad. 

 

Fifteen Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W.C. Fields.

2. I’m thrilled to announce that NB.com readership has expanded to 29! Special thanks to Mark Blumberg, Alex Carey, and Nonie Ravenberg. Attention Matt Green: I’m counting on you to be my 30th.

If you are a regular visitor to this blog and I haven’t mentioned you, please let me know! Maybe I’m closer to the half-century mark than I think.

3. I’m also happy to tell you that I’ll be playing a show next month (June 15) as part of Poverty is Real‘s Decatur concert series. This marks my first show of any kind in over a year and my first Atlanta-area show in nearly two. Am I nervous? Of course, don’t be an idiot.

4. I just saw a preview for Fast and Furious 6. Finally, one more for my collection.

5. I have this thing with armpits. You see, any time someone — male or female, sleeveless or fully clothed — raises their arm, I absolutely MUST look at their armpit. I simply can’t help it and usually I’ve already sneaked (snuck?) a peek before even realizing what I’m doing. I have a problem and strangely enough I blame former Celtics power forward and Hall of Famer Kevin McHale.

Now I don’t know if Mr. McHale (seen here, raising the roof) and his armpits made the same impression on other kids back in 1986 but I distinctly remember watching him shoot free throws and being totally mesmerized by those shadowy caverns under his arms, the sweatiest and hairiest my ten-year-old eyes had ever seen. I can’t explain it, but ever since then any exposed pit has attracted my gaze.

Is something wrong with me?

6. I can’t seem to put on weight no matter how much I eat.

7. I used to go to church camp every summer. We’d spend all week talking about how much God loves us and how much we love each other then on the last night we’d have a giant shaving cream fight. That all sounds terrible to me now, mostly because I hate shaving.

8. Somewhere some girl just read #6 and said, “Oh my God I hate that little Nathan Beaver SO. MUCH.”

9. As we speak I can see Lindsey on our back deck putting up strands of lights for the housewarming party we’re having soon (details forthcoming). In about three minutes something will go slightly wrong and she’ll curse under her breath. Then I’ll go out there and say “Lindz, do you need my help?” to which she’ll reply, “No, idiot, I don’t need your fucking help, I got it.” This is gonna be great.

10. Speaking of Lindsey… I understand (I guess) how one could get Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder confused, but I’m dumbfounded as to how she could have ever thought the movie Ray was about Stevie Ray Vaughn.

You’ll have to ask her to explain because I sure as hell can’t.

11. First, my doctor says I should drink less. Then, he tells me breakfast is the most important meal of the day. YOU’RE GIVING ME MIXED SIGNALS, DOC.

12. I don’t mean to piss on John Sebastian’s grave or anything (in fact I don’t even know if the former Lovin’ Spoonful frontman is dead yet), but that song “Summer in the City” is terrible.

13. I received this email last week:

Sorry, sweetheart. I will not be “answering you letter” but it’s nice to know I’m still desirable, thanks.

14. Did you ever have those guys at your high school that never seemed to carry a book bag, a book, or even a pencil? How did these people even graduate? Maybe they didn’t. Who cares?

15. When the elastic in your boxers starts to wear out go ahead and throw them away ’cause those things are done, man.

Have a great week,

-Nate

15 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “All first drafts are shit.” -Ernest Hemingway

2. If everybody’s talking about it, why haven’t I heard of it?

3. Yesterday I bought my first new set of golf clubs. It may not make me a better golfer but it sure does make me bad with money.

4. A humbling exchange I had with Lindsey:

Me: Lindz, do you think I’ll ever win any sort of lifetime acheivement award?

Lindsey: Hell no.

5. I need an intern.

6. Cute babies think they’re such hot shit.

7. Someone told me I look like “Frodo with a skinnier neck.”

If that’s true, is it because his neck is so wide that mine looks narrow by comparison, or because mine is truly skinny in and of itself? Either way, now I have another complex to go along with my bowed legs, small biceps, and huge penis complexes.

8. Another humbling exchange:

Me: Lindz, would you be quick to agree that I’m the coolest guy you know?

Lindsey: No.

Me: So you’re saying that I am in fact the coolest guy you know but that it would take you awhile to reach that conclusion?

Lindsey: No. I would never agree with that. You’re not even slightly cool.

9. I wonder how many New Orleans babies born since August 2005 have been named Katrina, if any.

10. I recently made my first visit to the InterAsian market on Nolensville Road (pretty great, but cash only, FYI). While pulling out of the parking lot I thought about how funny it’d be to look around and see evidence of some stereotypical awful Asian parking/driving. Then I backed over a curb. Life is funny.

11. Few things make me angrier than trying to separate two tangled coat hangers.

12. I’m still new to this drinking coffee thing and as such I have no idea what to order in coffee shops. Two days ago I tried to order a half-caffeinated/half-decaf coffee but they told me they were out of “drip coffee.” I didn’t know what the hell that meant. They recommended I try an Americano instead. I didn’t know what the hell that meant either but said “okay” and a few minutes later they handed me something that looked to me a lot like coffee. When I went over to add cream and sugar, however, I sensed the shit heads at the table behind me pointing and laughing. IS IT POOR FORM OR SOMETHING TO PUT CREAM AND SUGAR IN A MOTHERFUCKING “AMERICANO”? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.

13. People in coffee shops think they’re such hot shit.

14. If you can avoid using the terms “springboard,” “client retention,” and/or “outside of the box” I’ll be much more likely to consider using your product or service. Thanks.

15: I saw this recently at Kroger over in the produce section:

American Idol phenom, country/pop crossover superstar, NOW a fitness guru? Kind of a stretch, don’t you think?

Have a good week,

-Nate

Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.” -W.C. Fields

2. I’m proud to announce NB.com readership has expanded to 26! Special thanks to Winn Elliott, Brittany Sanders, Chris Jaeger, Brian Ramsey, and Jake Griffin. Membership has its privileges.

3. All Christian bookstores smell the same. Why is that?

4. Sometimes in my haste to motor through my post-shower routine I get a bit too aggressive when applying deodorant. Yesterday I jabbed at my underarm in such a hurry I aggravated an armpit nerve, sending a twinge down through my elbow all the way to my fingertips. My arm was tingly for the rest of the day.

5. I used to think that if I never had children I’d end up feeling unfulfilled as a human being, but now I don’t think I want to have any young’n's at all. Does that make me a bad person?

6. The Adventure Science Center has something called the Amazing Age Machine, a photo booth that predicts what you’ll look like in the future. This is me in a few years, compared to what I’d look like as a smoker:

And in twenty-something years?

Either this machine knows more about an impending zombie apocalypse than we do or it simply needs recalibrating. Either way, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

7. “Many hands make light work.” True, but mini hands make it extremely difficult.

Thanks once again to Mark Dusing.

8. Until there’s a better way to get from point A to point B than by driving faster I will continue to exceed the speed limit. And speaking of traffic violations, once the coast is clear why can’t I roll a stop sign? The less I slow down the less I have to re-accelerate, sparing the atmosphere unnecessary toxic carbon monoxide emissions. Argue with that and you hate planet Earth.

9. Crossing guards think they’re such hot shit.

10. Since I can’t seem to summon a halfway decent birdie joke I’ll just say that this is how I’ve felt towards my golf game lately:

Why did I ever pick this God-forsaken game up? I was happier falling down playing soccer.

11. I’m tired of shitty art but at least I’m not making it anymore.

Have a good week,

-Nate

Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “To retain respect for sausages and laws, one must not watch them in the making.” -Otto von Bismarck

Special thanks to Andy (and Mr. von Bismarck) for this week’s quote.

2. After I pitched the idea last week several of you have voiced your support of “Nate’s Drink and Drive,” the bar/driving range I’d like to open when I retire. I really think we might have something here and am open to more ideas… help me brainstorm the following?

  • logos
  • tag lines
  • t-shirt concepts
  • floor plan
  • deals/specials (free balls for designated drivers, etc.)
  • live music?
  • potential investors/sponsors

3. Speaking of golf, I played with some guy Friday who after a particularly lucky shot said “Hey, even a blind pig finds an acorn.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Also, I might as well not even carry a sand wedge as I have no clue how I’m supposed to swing it.

4. I can’t decide what kind of neighbor I want to be to these kids on my street.

Should I be “Old Man Beaver,” the menacing curmudgeon that yells and shakes his fist at them for playing and laughing too loud? Or the kind “Mr. Beaver” that smiles warmly and waves when driving by? For now, I guess I’m just the creep at the end of the street that takes photos of neighborhood children from his kitchen window.

5. I’m 34 years old. If I haven’t figured out who I am by now, should I assume I’ll always be nobody?

6. One time in college (if you round up I’m a junior) we went to the Georgia Theatre to see Zoso, a Led Zeppelin cover band. They put on a hell of a show but took themselves a little too seriously. After the show I asked “Robert Plant” if they ever perform “Fool in the Rain,” my favorite Zeppelin song at the time. In a fake British accent (these guys were from Florida, for Christ’s sake) the smug, shirtless frontman replied, “Led Zeppelin never played it live so of course we don’t.” Zeppelin didn’t grow up in St. Petersburg either, jerk off.

7. One of my employees recently called me a narcissist. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, I don’t see how the sex I have with dead bodies is any of her business.

8. If I ever quit my current position for the opportunity to manage the crab shack down the road, I’m going to host a nationally televised press conference to tell America I’ve decided to “take my talents to South Street.”

Special thanks to Mark Dusing for this joke.

9. The Braves are red hot and are so, so fun to watch. And if you don’t know who Evan Gattis a.k.a El Oso Blanco (“The White Bear)” is, educate yourself and enjoy watching this guy swing the bat — without batting gloves, might I add.

10. My new favorite site. Delicious AND hilarious!

11. I’m not sure what scares me more: that I’ll soon run out of material or that I actually ran out months ago.

Have a great week,

-Nate

Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”  -Lily Tomlin

2. I’m trying to get back on a consistent track with this “Thoughts Headed Into the Week” thing (instead of “Weekend”). Please bear with me as I figure out what works best. Also, I apologize in advance for any “Humpday Thoughts” post or other one-offs you may see in the meantime — like Hank, I’m sure life makes more sense for y’all when it follows a routine.

3. Yes, I made it to Atlanta last week for Opening Day at Turner Field. Yes, it was spectacular. Yes, we won, like I hope to God we continue to do.

Unlike the Braves, however, Marta did not make any off-season moves to bolster its chances for success in 2013. In fact, I had probably the worst public transportation experience of my life on the way to the game, rivaled only by the subsequent trip home and maybe the time I found a human turd under my seat during the 1996 Olympics.

Speaking of public transit, this is one of my favorite The Onion articles ever. I’m thinking 98 percent may be a bit conservative, what about you?

4. A funny exchange between Lindsey and me during the top of the 3rd inning:

Lindsey: What’ll you give me if I eat this hot dog all in one bite?

Me: The Heimlich maneuver, probably.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

5. We stayed with Dad and Janice in their brand new Marietta condo the night before the game. During our tour of the place I noticed this on the master bedroom’s headboard:

Evidently a traditional, doorknob-free headboard does not provide dear old Dad with the leverage he needs when sexing. Now, I did not ask him what balance and/or strength issues the knob helps to counteract but here’s to hoping this apparent need for such bedroom resourcefulness skips a generation.

6. My niece and nephew are ages five and six. When is it too soon to give them the “stay in school or you’ll end up like your uncle” speech?

7. I’ll never understand why my mom used to get onto me about “ruining my appetite.” If I was ruining my appetite, didn’t that mean I was getting the sustenance my body was telling me I needed? If so, isn’t that a good thing?  She might as well have threatened to ground me for quenching my thirst or regulating my body temperature.

8. I’ll also never understand why I never get invited to play in celebrity golf tournaments: 1) I play golf, and 2) I’ve won two spelling bees, shared the stage with Cyndi Lauper on Fox 5′s Good Morning Atlanta, and appeared on pg. 22 of the April 1996 issue of Teen Magazine. What else do they want?

9. Speaking of golf, when I retire I’d like to open a bar on a big ass piece of land where you can drink beer and hit golf balls into an open pasture all day long. I’ll call it “Nate’s Drink & Drive.” Cash only. Free balls for the DD. Thoughts?

10. I recently caught the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I swear every time I watch it I tear up when Aragorn says “My friends, you bow to no one” and then he and the whole fucking kingdom kneel down before Rudy and those other hobbits.

11. If I ever get arrested It will be for punching a valet.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

Thirteen Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “I don’t know where we’re going! I’m just flying by the shit in my pants, here.” -Lindsey Dudgeon, trying a new route home

2. It’s Good Friday. If you’re not posting about God today you clearly hate gays.

3. I lost my phone at Shelby Golf Course last weekend. It must have fallen out of the cart on the fourth fairway (I’d had it on the tee box and it was gone by the time I was putting), but despite all my retracing and re-retracing I couldn’t find it. I even circled back several times to talk to the groups behind me but no one claimed to have seen anything.

Hours later, after an infuriating and ultimately fruitless trip to the Apple Store at Green Hills Mall, I finally received my new phone from a nice young lady at the AT&T store. Her name? Shelby.

I’ll leave it up to Andy to tell me whether or not this qualifies as irony.

4. Is it redundant to say “or not” after using the word “whether” (see directly above)? i.e., does the word “whether” itself imply the alternative that “or not” conveys? It’s shit like this that keeps me up at night, y’all.

5. Having to adjust to a new phone sucks but at least Siri and I were able to pick up right where we left off:

6. Speaking of not sleeping well, I don’t. Sleep well, I mean. Recently, it’s because I’ve been having some awful restaurant dreams: equipment catching fire, livid customers getting in my face, employees staging a unified walkout during a Friday night shift… yeah, just about everything that can go wrong in a restaurant, I’ve dreamed it. And though my dreams aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be it’s still probably time I take a mental health vacation.

7. I’ve never understood why people (mostly women but not always) complain about being objectified. I think I speak for many of us who wish they had that problem.

8. A funny exchange I had with Mike:

Me: You said you had some story to tell me, right?

Mike: Yeah, so Jessica and I were getting ready to go to a friend’s going away party at a local church, when-

Me: Wait, isn’t that called a funeral?

Laughter ensues. End scene.

9. An infuriating conversation I had yesterday afternoon with some shit head at Harris Teeter:

Me: Excuse me sir, is this all the cilantro you have or does there happen to be any more in the back?

Shit Head: Let’s see… no sir, nothing more in the back so what you see is what we have. How much do you need?

Me: (loading product into cart) I was hoping for 30 bunches but this will have to do. Thank you for checking.

Shit Head: Wait, you’re taking all of it?

Me: Yeah, I know it seems silly but our produce truck can’t make it until tomorrow, so-

Shit Head: Well, if you take all of it there’ll be nothing left for our customers.

Me: For your “customers”… (still loading) Huh. What do you consider me, then?

Shit Head: (laughing) You know what I mean.

Me: I’m not sure I do. Also, don’t you stock all this produce hoping that your customers buy it before it goes bad? And if not your customers, some guy like me?

Shit Head: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Me: I’m not upset, I’m confused. Also, can you please direct me to non-customer checkout? Just kidding, mostly. Have a nice day.

Shit Head: You too.

End scene. 

10. It’s nice to know the elected officers in our state capitol are confronting the real issues head-on. As-salamu alaykum, y’all.

11. I recently met Lynda Carter at a restaurant. For those who only know her from skin care infomercials, she was also TV’s original Wonder Woman. Anyway, Ms. Carter and her Lasso of Truth gave me my very first hard-on at the ripe age of ten — a fact she was, surprisingly, not at all flattered to hear.

Click to enlarge, so to speak.

11. I was driving through 12 South today and saw this:

David was one of my best friends growing up. Our parents worked together at church. We played on the same basketball, soccer, and baseball teams. We went to Six Flags a hundred times together. His mom gave me piano and swimming lessons (separately, of course).

These days, David is an internationally recognized pastor, theologian and author, having penned the New York Times Best Seller Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream and its follow up, Radical Together: Unleashing the People of God for the Purpose of God.

Me? I run a taco joint and blog about boners. Talk about nature vs. nurture.

12. Speaking of nature, anybody know of a reasonably priced lawnmower and/or four wheeler for sale?

13. Why yes, I WILL be at Turner Field for Opening Day on Monday (vs. Philly, 7:10 EST). Section 123, Row 13, Seat 1. Look for me, I’ll be the one in the Martin Prado jersey (unless someone tells me that’s bad luck).

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

11 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn’t taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallower’s sword and made me feel powerful and godlike.” -Sylvia Plath

2. If you’re wondering why it’s been so long since my last “Thoughts” post, it’s because I finally bought a house…

…and have spent seemingly every spare moment since packing, moving, unpacking, cleaning, organizing, painting, sledgehammering, swearing, and/or going to Home Depot. Owning my own home is great and I wouldn’t trade it for any thing in the world except for maybe all the time in the world to get everything done.

Does one host a “housewarming,” or a “housewarming party”? Is it the former because the latter is redundant? Either way, I’m having one soon and rest assured, some of you will be invited.

Also, I now see how quickly a house can become a money pit, which reminds me to remind you of THIS. You’re welcome.

3. I’ve been meeting with a financial planner over the last month as I’m finally at a point where I can begin putting some money away. During our third meeting he used the phrase “diversify your portfolio.” Frankly, I was disappointed it took him so long.

4. My house is near a Krispy Kreme. Lindsey recently confessed that she’d never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut, so yesterday I pulled into the drive-thru in hopes to give her the transcendent experience (outside of our bedroom, of course) that only the sugary sweet, melt-in-your-melt first bite of a hot Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut can provide. So, I ordered us two original glazed doughnuts and two coffees, certain that when Lindsey looked back on her life she would pinpoint this as that pivotal moment when everything changed.

As we pulled out onto Thompson Lane, however, I realized the doughnuts we were given were NOT piping hot but room temperature and therefore ice fucking cold as far as I’m concerned.

I was so disappointed. Do they not come out hot anymore, or do you have to request them that way? If I’d ordered a dozen, would those have been hot? I don’t understand. Anyway, going to Krispy Kreme and getting cold doughnuts is like going to a strip club where the dancers come out in biohazard suits. Or, a better analogy.

5. Believe it or not I used be a pretty decent baseball player (you know, before everyone else in the league hit puberty). At shortstop I never had any trouble throwing on-target to first base, but after they moved me to pitcher I began to have control issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t find the plate.

I remember one particular game in which I’d allowed two walks on eight consecutive balls — some in the dirt, some way outside, and some head-high. My coach promptly strolled out to the mound, looked me right in the eyes, and said “Okay, Nate. Don’t aim, just throw.”

I’m 34 years old and still have no idea what the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Thanks, Coach.

6. Speaking of baseball, Opening Day is 18 short days from now. In fact, I just heard Chipper will be throwing out the first pitch for the opener (April 1, 7:10 EST vs. Philadelphia). See you there.

Have you met Chipper’s new girlfriend (no joke), Lexi Ray (a.k.a. Taylor Higgins, a.k.a Lexi Ray Higgins)? Here she is:

Man, she sure loves to read.

7. Earlier this week an employee asked me if he could go outside for a quick smoke. Not trying to be funny I replied, “Sure, but don’t make a habit of it.” Now that’s comedy.

8. I understand those Second Amendment activists that continue to fight for the right to protect themselves — I really do — but what about MY right to not get shot in the face by one of the 100 bullets some a-hole can rattle off in four seconds with the AK-47 he found in his uncle’s basement? Shouldn’t that factor in somewhere?

Also, surely the joke “everyone is up in arms over this Second Amendment thing” has been made before, right?

9. Earlier this week I dreamed that my new house was haunted by the ghost of the former owner who was drowned in the bathtub by her husband years ago. In the dream, I’d often wake up or come home to find that the tub’s faucet had mysteriously been turned on. One night, I got up and shuffled to the bathroom to pee. Standing there in front of the toilet in the half-light of the early morning, I suddenly felt the cold clutch of a dead hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain around my ankle. I screamed bloody murder.

I woke up. It was 5am and I had to pee. This time, I held it.

10. Regardless of where you stand in regard to the University of Tennessee, fraternities in general, or puttin’ booze in your butt, you’re sure to find this article/press conference to be damn hilarious. I can’t believe I didn’t hear about this sooner. Thanks Taylor Hart for the link.

11. Some girl (and I can’t remember exactly who) recently saw a picture of Lindsey and me together and said “Man if you guys were in high school, she’d be the ‘popular hot chick’ and you’d be the ‘Dungeons and Dragons kid’!” Hilarious, except I was starting college when Lindsey was entering third grade so we could never be in high school together. Joke’s on you, bitch.

Have a good weekend,

-Nate

13 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “I can’t remember the last time I blacked out drinking.” -Coworker

Of course you can’t, Josh.

2. I always get an uneasy feeling during the “in memorium” segments of the major awards shows (you know, where they flash the names and faces of all the individuals in that industry who died that year). The segment itself doesn’t make me uneasy; what creeps me out is the way the audience’s applause is weighted so heavily towards the “more famous” people. The names roll by one by one and we all say to ourselves, don’t know him… don’t care… who is that?… I sort of remember her… that’s right, HE died this year!  How sad… don’t know…never heard of him… as if certain lives are worth more than others.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it: we’re more familiar with some folks’ lives and work and therefore their deaths seem more palpable. It just makes me sad, that’s all.

3. Please tell me y’all saw Wisconsin’s half-court buzzer-beater Saturday. After Ben Brust’s prayer was answered to tie the game at the end of regulation, the Badgers eventually beat No. 3 Michigan in overtime. I’m not a fan of either team but the finish was unbelievable.

This game got me thinking. What percent of teams/individuals that come from behind late to tie a game go on to win the game in overtime, extra innings, playoff, etc.? It’s gotta be at least 80 percent, right? Surely someone, somewhere, has tracked these stats.

4. After months of deliberation I finally went with Lindsey to get a pedicure. That’s right, a pedicure. I doubt I’ll ever go back but I must admit that it wasn’t nearly as awful as I’d imagined it would be. I mean, I drank a glass of wine while some girl who spoke very little English rubbed on me for twenty minutes. You can get arrested for this in some states.

Don’t worry, my left leg had regenerated by the time I got home. And yes, like all the Beaver men I piss blue when I’m anxious.

5. I have trouble sleeping. There’s nothing more miserable than staring up at the ceiling at four in the morning, with no sounds or anything… just me, alone with my own hollow thoughts. Fucking terrifying.

You’re right, it’s probably time I give therapy another try.

6. I went to Great Clips again this week, where my haircut was only $6.99. Why do I still feel like I got ripped off?

7.  I’d rather have a broken leg than a sore throat. You can prop up a broken leg, take some pain pills, and as long as you’re not trying to walk around you’ll be fine. But with a sore throat, you just have to sit there and take it. That red poison in a spray bottle doesn’t do shit.

8. I just reread everything above and noticed I used a semicolon in #2. Have you ever heard Kurt Vonnegut’s take on semicolons? Here it is:

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

Thanks, Uncle Kurt! But should any of you dare to use them anyway, make sure you know what you’re doing (yes, I double-checked my work).

9. Speaking of college, I went to one once. I finished 1.5 years, which means if you round up I’m a junior. More important, I still have all four years of athletic eligibility so I’m just waiting on that call from Coach Richt.

10. Just reread #8 and noticed I used “colon” and “#2″ in the same sentence. Some things have a way of working themselves out, so to speak.

11. An exchange I had this week with my friend Steve, who got married in October:

Steve: So I taught the dog to high-five today.

Me: Great! Sounds like you and Renee are finally communicating!

Steve: Not cool, man. Not cool.

C’mon Steve, lighten up.

12. I’d like to learn to be less condiment-dependent.

13. If any of you Nashvillians are seeing a doctor of any kind later this afternoon (dentist, OB/GYN, chiropractor, etc), please beware… the guy in scrubs next to me appears to be on his lunch break and just ordered his third Yazoo Sly Rye Porter (5.7% ABV).

He keeps checking his watch so I’m thinking he’s due back at the office soon — maybe for YOUR appointment. If heavy breath and wandering hands aren’t your thing you may want to reschedule.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate