1. “I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody.” -J.D. Salinger
2. A funny exchange between Lindsey and me:
Lindsey: Check out the fridge, I bought groceries including the pork loin in the meat drawer.
Me: Cool, thanks. Whaddya want for dinner?
Lindsey: Dunno, but I definitely wanna pork something.
Me: Couldn’t agree with you more.
3. I’m embarrassed to I think about the cassettes I used to play in the car back when Mom and/or Dad (usually “or”) were driving me all over town. I guess back then I was too caught up in the beats and melody to really hear all the lyrics, some of which were particularly unsavory. For example:
“Poison” by Bell Biv DeVoe: “me and the crew used to do her,” “keepin’ one eye open, still clocking the ho’s,” and my favorite, “never trust a big butt and a smile”
“Scenario” by A Tribe Called Quest: “Bust a nut inside your eye to show you where I come from,” “Yo, bustin’ out before the Busta busts a nut,” “yeah, my man motherfucker”
“Gett Off” by Prince: “22 positions in a one-night stand,” “move your big ass round this way so I can work on that zipper, baby,” and of course, “get off” (about a hundred times)
If I’d known just what the lyrics were (and in many cases, what they meant) from these and other songs I’d have been mortified to play them in front of my parents. Come to think of it, what were Mom and Dad doing letting me listen to that stuff anyway?
Sure, I’ve fallen asleep to Wild Turkey dozens of times but waking up to it is totally different.
5. I took Lindsey to a nice dinner last week as part of my Christmas present to her. They walked us to the very back of the restaurant to one of those half-booth/half-table things, where the booth seat looks out at the entire restaurant and the chair seat looks at the wall. Before I could say anything Lindsey took the booth and we sat down to eat.
Well, the truth is that I desperately wanted the booth so I could keep an eye on all the exits (saw it in a spy movie years ago) but I kept my mouth shut in fear of ruining her Christmas. The things we do for love, right? Luckily by my second glass of Tempranillo I’d stopped worrying about some double agent sneaking up on me from behind.
6. Some days I feel like I’m the best boss ever, but most days I wonder why anyone would ever put me in charge of anything or anyone.
7. I’d enjoy shopping at Guitar Center a lot more if nobody worked there. Seriously, those guys are the worst.
8. We got a new coffee maker so I’ve making been drinking a lot of coffee at home. Sometimes after adding my cream and sugar I pull a clean spoon out of the drawer, stir my cup with it, wipe it off using my shirt/pants, and return it to the drawer. Is this wrong?
9. Do y’all remember those Big Johnson T-shirts that were so popular many years ago? I never owned one (my folks wouldn’t let me) but it seems like everyone I knew had at least one and wore them proudly. The concept was always the same but there must have been a hundred different designs, like this one for example:
Brilliant, I know. Can you believe folks like you and I work our asses off to make ends meet while some jerk makes millions and probably retires early producing these? What a stupid world.
10. I think I’d like to be a frequent caller to some radio talk show. You know, I’d call in regularly to offer interesting thoughts on whatever the day’s topic might be, which would grant me a good rapport with the DJs… they’d be all, “Nate from Nashville, good to hear from you, bud! How’re ya doin’?” and I’d say, “Not too bad, guys, not too bad,” then they’d say “Whaddya got for us today, Nate?” then I’d offer some hilarious comment or anecdote for all to enjoy. Yeah, that’s something I could really feel good about.
11. After Spring soccer was over my sophomore year of high school I was awarded “Most Improved Player” by Coach Sohrabi. Is there any more of a back-handed compliment than winning “Most Improved” anything?
“Son, here’s a plaque to commemorate how much you didn’t suck this year.” Thanks, Coach.
12. After rereading this post and those from the last couple of weeks I’ve just realized something: I’m not any better than the guy who designed all those Big Johnson shirts, just a lot less rich.
13. I HATE even numbers.
‘Til next week,