Thirteen Humpday Thoughts

1. “You’re like your older brother, but… evil.” -Gabriel Vinas, to me, circa 2006

2. I’d go to more outdoor music festivals if it weren’t for all the people that go to outdoor music festivals.

3. When I was little there was this man at our church that all the adults called “Flabby Abbey.” Everybody loved him but I remember always feeling a bit sad for the poor bastard.

4. Ever feel like your life’s been misallocated?

5. Yesterday I fell for one of those internet tricks where I’m told to “look closely at the following image for [this or that]” which compels me to put my nose six inches from the screen right before some terrifying image appears out of nowhere accompanied by some hellish scream and I have a heart attack and nearly shit myself. It just about ruined my day.

6. I’m no Hugh Grant super fan or anything but I recently caught the last half of Notting Hill on TV and mentioned to Lindsey how funny and charming I think he is. She freaked out a bit, saying she hated him and that she doesn’t see how anyone could ever like him. We haven’t spoken since but we’re working through it.

7. If it “goes without saying” then there’s no reason not to keep your mouth shut, right?

8. You know those little cardboard thingies they put around to-go coffees to keep them from being too hot to the touch? Well I was on the way out of Edgehill yesterday morning when some lady pointed to my coffee and said, “hey, sorry to bother you, but would you mind telling me where you got those little sleeves?” I answered, “They came with the jacket, of course.” She gave me a sardonic “ha ha” before turning to walk away.

What’s wrong with people? Don’t they know how hard it is to be hilarious before 8am?

9. A few things I learned on a recent trip to Decatur:

  • Nobody cares about the wedding musicians, and they shouldn’t
  • Never assume that a 400 pound man with a glass eye is lousy at shooting pool
  • A credit card does will not double as a hotel room key no matter how many times you swipe it
  • Siam Thai is still the best Thai restaurant in the universe
  • Kevin Durant is better at basketball than I am
  • Chick-fil-A has introduced more spicy chicken items to its menu but has discontinued its bleu cheese dressing and as such will soon be receiving a strongly worded letter from yours truly
  • Some movie called Vampire Academy is coming out
  • That Drake guy isn’t funny

10. I had a real bad lisp when I was little. In fact, in kindergarten I had to take spethial thpeech clatheth inthtead of getting to go to rethess with all the non-retarded kidth.

I hated missing recess but I’m so I got the help I needed. Thankth, Mom and Dad.

11. I’m gonna start making more “international waters” jokes. I’m three for three this year.

12. I saw this billboard yesterday over on Craighead:

So… is this guy supposed to be the patient or the doctor?

13. I wouldn’t wish having my brain on my worst enemy.

Enjoy the rest of your week,

-Nate

Also, I just joined Instagram. For a new post every two-three weeks, follow me at @nathanbeaver13.

13 Thoughts Headed into the Week

1. “I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -”Uncle Kurt” Vonnegut

2. At 35 years old I’m having to accept that regular maintenance of body hair is just gonna have to be way of life from here on out. Just this week an employee pointed out to me two rogue hairs, one shooting out from my left eyebrow and one (a “half-incher,” as he put it) from my right ear. If that weren’t bad enough I’m now having to check my nose hairs each morning where before I only needed to assess and address them every two to three months.

Sure, I’m getting up there but at least I have fifteen more years until my first prostate exam. My first official one, at least.

3. I was thinking about getting one of those “Still ‘Hood” decals installed across the top of my windshield. These are definitely cool, right?

I think it’s important to adequately communicate to pedestrians and other motorists that not only was I this way some time ago but that I still am, after all these years, “‘Hood.”

4. Remember last week when I said I’m gonna stop trying to be funny all the time? Well, I just remembered the very first day of First Grade at Arcado Elementary when Mrs. Edwards called me out in front of the whole class for cutting up, adding that “the last thing we need is a class clown.” Though I disagreed, I was totally humiliated. In fact, I don’t think I said another word for two weeks in fear of being reprimanded.

A smarter, well-adjusted kid would have learned some sort of real life lesson from this but all I got from it was that man, Mrs. Edwards is real bitch.

5. Speaking of which, the TV’s on and it just hit me that — brace yourself — the crusty old British bitch from Downton Abbey is the same crusty old nun bitch from Sister Act!

How ’bout that?

6. I wonder if I’ll ever be typecast.

7. A hilarious (and infuriating) conversation I had Friday morning with Patty the Suntrust teller:

Patty: Welcome to Suntrust, what can I do for you?

Me: Hi there. I’m actually here to check on the status of the new debit card I ordered. I placed the order over a month ago through that gentleman (pointing) but two weeks passed and it never came. I then asked you about it and you told me it was never issued so you reordered one for me.

Patty: Sure, I remember you.

Me: Well, that was nearly three weeks ago and I still haven’t received it. Can you help me figure out what’s going on?

Patty: No problem. What’s your account number?

Me:  I don’t know if off hand, but (digging in wallet) maybe you can pull if off my current card even though it’s–

Patty: (taking card) Perfect, that’ll do. (swipes card) Huh… (swipes again) I’m not getting anything here.

Me: Right, you see that’s the card that–

Patty: Let me try swiping it with this plastic bag, that always does the trick (swipes again).

Me: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s gonna work because–

Patty: No, hold on now, I usually have the magic touch (swipes again). Well, maybe not… Hold on, give it just another sec (swipes again, still nothing). Huh, looks like we need to get you a new card, Mr. Beaver!

Me: Exactly. That’s why I’m here.

Patty: Oh, right (giggles). Of course. Well, Mr. Beaver, your new card should arrive in about eight to ten business days.

Me: Thanks. Fingers crossed.

End scene.

I bet everything in my Suntrust account that I’ll have the same conversation with Patty in another eight to ten business days.

8. Last night I dreamed that I went to buy a new car. The salesman told me he’s wasn’t supposed to let me see the lot because I’d ridden my bike there, but that I should wait inside while he asked his supervisor. While inside, another customer kept reaching out and pulling the chest hair exposed by my v-neck undershirt. I tried to punch him in the balls — which were right in front of my face because he was ten feet tall, you see — but I kept swinging and missing. His son took pictures of me while they both laughed. Finally a female customer asked me why I’d ever wear that jacket out of the house claiming that I “look ridiculous in pink silk.”

What does this mean?

9. I only recently learned that when some guy dates a much younger girl it’s called “ROBbing the cradle,” not “ROCKing the cradle.” Thanks a lot, Billy Idol.

10.

So, serving… everybody?

11. Karaoke emcees think they’re such hot shit.

12. Speaking of which: sometimes when using the bathroom (the sit-down kind, not the stand-up kind) first thing in the morning before my shower, I don’t flush immediately so as not to affect the water temperature and/or pressure. I usually remember to flush after my shower but in those rare cases like this morning when I’m in a hurry and forget, poor Lindsey stumbles upon my little surprise a few hours later and texts me about it (NOTES: 1. “Marlene” is Lindsey’s middle name. 2. “Ham and cheese” is an expression we use internally to denote the utmost degree of honesty):

I’m pretty sure it won’t, at least.

13. I learned a new keyboard shortcut this week! Instead of hopping to the mousepad to change fields from “To” to “Cc” when composing in Gmail, just hit “Command+shift+up arrow+C” instead! Totally awesome. You’re welcome.

Until next week,

-Nate

17 Thoughts Headed Into the Week (Tuesday Version)

Normally I like to post these “Thoughts for the Week” blogs on Monday… Hell, I would’ve liked to post it two months ago but sometimes things come up like second jobs, surgeries, and dogs licking your butt hole (yeah, see below)…

1. I was thinking about getting some of those “transition lenses”… you know, those prescription glasses that self-tint in brighter environments. Those are definitely cool, right?

2. When I was little I used to whack lightning bugs in mid-air with a tennis racket and marvel at how they’d streak like little comets across the sky before falling dead to the ground. Or, I’d put them in a jar and watch them piss around for five minutes before I’d move onto something else, leaving them to die of starvation and/or boredom. Now, I feel pretty terrible about both.

3. I used to believe that there are no such things as stupid questions.

4. During my college years in Athens, my friend Matt once took me out to the rock quarry where he and his friends used to go party during the summers back in high school. After doing it himself, Matt dared me to jump of the quarry’s cliff into the seemingly bottomless pool of water 40 feet below. I jumped without hesitation. After crawling out of the water and climbing back up top, however, the second jump — or getting myself amped to go through with it, at least — proved much more difficult. For whatever reason it took me at least 20 minutes of focused pacing and self-administered pep talks to even attempt to do again what I’d just done easily a few minutes before.

But why? Why was it scarier once I knew just what to expect? Sure, the first fall was intense but I splashed down safely. Sure, the water was eerily dark and its depths increasingly colder but I made it back to the surface with ease. The whole thing seemed to work against conventional wisdom: the “unknown” hadn’t been scary at all while the recently familiar shook me to the core.

I don’t know what any of this means but surely there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. If any Southern Baptist preachers out there want to use this, it’s all yours.

5. I recently caught that band Linkin Park on TV playing some outdoor show in front of what had to be half a million people. Which is weird to me, cause I’ve never met one person that likes that band. Maybe they were opening for Paul McCartney or something?

6.  Last weekend I went to Santa’s Pub after having told myself I would never go again. Then I danced, which I swore I’d never do again. Yes, I fucking danced. Like, to music. What’s wrong with me? I need to set reachable goals.

7. Awhile back, when I was blogging regularly, I scribbled the following note in hopes to remember a dream I’d planned on sharing with y’all later:

“escorting a pantsless customer to the door…I’m gonna show this lady what I’m made of”

I sure would like to remember what I was planning to do to that lady.

8. Valets think they’re such hot shit.

9. I learned over Thanksgiving that nobody loves me more — and finds me more annoying — than my brother, Andy.

10. Speaking of Thanksgiving, here’s an exchange I had Thursday with a gas station clerk just north of Dalton, GA, on my way home from Atlanta:

Me: Hey there, how are you?

Clerk: Beef jerky and Mountain Dew… you’re gonna ruin your turkey dinner, aintcha?

Me: Actually, no… I had a great Thanksgiving dinner last night, the only night I was able to see everybody on that side of my family.

Clerk: Huh. Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

Me: Uh, if the purpose of Thanksgiving is something other than to share a wonderful meal with your loved ones, then yeah, I guess. Thanks. Happy Holidays.

End scene.

11. Took this picture recently… regardless of how you feel about our Commander in Chief, this is funny, right?

People get SO sensitive about politiks.

12. Luckily I’ve never had to hear the Miranda rights myself but when cops say that part about “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” — are both the “can” and “will” necessary? Wouldn’t either alone suffice?? Who knows? Also, who cares?

13. Speaking of cops, the closest I’ve ever come to being arrested was either 1) the time Ben Blue begged the would-be arresting Brentwood police officer not to search his car because, as Ben put it, “we’ve been honest with you about being stoned and smoking pot* so why would I lie to you about not having any weed in the car?”, or 2) the time I got pulled over (and subsequently “breathalyzed”) for speeding while racing to get to work at Southern Cross Horse Ranch/Bed and Breakfast one morning after staying up ’til 4am drinking Maker’s Mark with Josh and Charlie in Athens (which was customary in those days).

Oh yeah, and then there was the time I played a show in Columbus, GA, drank three beers, took a two-hour nap in the green room, then drove back to Madison (where I worked at the aforementioned SCHR/B&B) and got pulled over for speeding at Exit 113, one short of my Exit 114. The officer smelled stale booze on my breath and had me do all the field sobriety tests, which I aced. He let me go home with a warning to “slow down ’round here” and wished me “good luck in my artistic endeavors.” I gave him a CD. For free, of course.

14. Don’t think it doesn’t bother me that these “thoughts” read much like all those “[enter arbitrary number here] Things You Didn’t Know About Me” posts that seem to be so popular on Facebook these days.

15. This morning upon stepping out of the shower I immediately smelled a Cooper turd. Without getting dressed or even drying off I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and headed towards the pile of poop waiting for me in the guest room. As soon as I squatted to pick it up Cooper himself snuck up from behind and licked me right in the asshole. I nearly hit the ceiling.

I can now say definitively that I do NOT like that — a tongue in my asshole, I mean. Sorry, ladies.

Also, this is Cooper:

FYI he’s a lot cuter when you’re not holding a steaming pile of his shit in your hands.

14. A few days ago I overheard some businessy guy at a coffee shop say to two underlings, “I mean, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, did it really happen? Of course not.” I didn’t stick around long enough to hear how he brought it all home for them, but man, what a cheese dick.

15. I just remembered a song I used to love in high school, “Alien” by Bush. I just Googled it. In addition to the song itself, this came up.

The song no longer does it for me but the pic sure does.

16. I decided that I’d like to be crowned 2014′s “Comeback Player of the Year.”

17. I’m gonna try to stop being funny all the time. Nothing smells worse than desperation.

That’s all for now,

-Nate

* Sorry Dad. 

 

15 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “All first drafts are shit.” -Ernest Hemingway

2. If everybody’s talking about it, why haven’t I heard of it?

3. Yesterday I bought my first new set of golf clubs. It may not make me a better golfer but it sure does make me bad with money.

4. A humbling exchange I had with Lindsey:

Me: Lindz, do you think I’ll ever win any sort of lifetime acheivement award?

Lindsey: Hell no.

5. I need an intern.

6. Cute babies think they’re such hot shit.

7. Someone told me I look like “Frodo with a skinnier neck.”

If that’s true, is it because his neck is so wide that mine looks narrow by comparison, or because mine is truly skinny in and of itself? Either way, now I have another complex to go along with my bowed legs, small biceps, and huge penis complexes.

8. Another humbling exchange:

Me: Lindz, would you be quick to agree that I’m the coolest guy you know?

Lindsey: No.

Me: So you’re saying that I am in fact the coolest guy you know but that it would take you awhile to reach that conclusion?

Lindsey: No. I would never agree with that. You’re not even slightly cool.

9. I wonder how many New Orleans babies born since August 2005 have been named Katrina, if any.

10. I recently made my first visit to the InterAsian market on Nolensville Road (pretty great, but cash only, FYI). While pulling out of the parking lot I thought about how funny it’d be to look around and see evidence of some stereotypical awful Asian parking/driving. Then I backed over a curb. Life is funny.

11. Few things make me angrier than trying to separate two tangled coat hangers.

12. I’m still new to this drinking coffee thing and as such I have no idea what to order in coffee shops. Two days ago I tried to order a half-caffeinated/half-decaf coffee but they told me they were out of “drip coffee.” I didn’t know what the hell that meant. They recommended I try an Americano instead. I didn’t know what the hell that meant either but said “okay” and a few minutes later they handed me something that looked to me a lot like coffee. When I went over to add cream and sugar, however, I sensed the shit heads at the table behind me pointing and laughing. IS IT POOR FORM OR SOMETHING TO PUT CREAM AND SUGAR IN A MOTHERFUCKING “AMERICANO”? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.

13. People in coffee shops think they’re such hot shit.

14. If you can avoid using the terms “springboard,” “client retention,” and/or “outside of the box” I’ll be much more likely to consider using your product or service. Thanks.

15: I saw this recently at Kroger over in the produce section:

American Idol phenom, country/pop crossover superstar, NOW a fitness guru? Kind of a stretch, don’t you think?

Have a good week,

-Nate

Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.” -W.C. Fields

2. I’m proud to announce NB.com readership has expanded to 26! Special thanks to Winn Elliott, Brittany Sanders, Chris Jaeger, Brian Ramsey, and Jake Griffin. Membership has its privileges.

3. All Christian bookstores smell the same. Why is that?

4. Sometimes in my haste to motor through my post-shower routine I get a bit too aggressive when applying deodorant. Yesterday I jabbed at my underarm in such a hurry I aggravated an armpit nerve, sending a twinge down through my elbow all the way to my fingertips. My arm was tingly for the rest of the day.

5. I used to think that if I never had children I’d end up feeling unfulfilled as a human being, but now I don’t think I want to have any young’n's at all. Does that make me a bad person?

6. The Adventure Science Center has something called the Amazing Age Machine, a photo booth that predicts what you’ll look like in the future. This is me in a few years, compared to what I’d look like as a smoker:

And in twenty-something years?

Either this machine knows more about an impending zombie apocalypse than we do or it simply needs recalibrating. Either way, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

7. “Many hands make light work.” True, but mini hands make it extremely difficult.

Thanks once again to Mark Dusing.

8. Until there’s a better way to get from point A to point B than by driving faster I will continue to exceed the speed limit. And speaking of traffic violations, once the coast is clear why can’t I roll a stop sign? The less I slow down the less I have to re-accelerate, sparing the atmosphere unnecessary toxic carbon monoxide emissions. Argue with that and you hate planet Earth.

9. Crossing guards think they’re such hot shit.

10. Since I can’t seem to summon a halfway decent birdie joke I’ll just say that this is how I’ve felt towards my golf game lately:

Why did I ever pick this God-forsaken game up? I was happier falling down playing soccer.

11. I’m tired of shitty art but at least I’m not making it anymore.

Have a good week,

-Nate

Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “To retain respect for sausages and laws, one must not watch them in the making.” -Otto von Bismarck

Special thanks to Andy (and Mr. von Bismarck) for this week’s quote.

2. After I pitched the idea last week several of you have voiced your support of “Nate’s Drink and Drive,” the bar/driving range I’d like to open when I retire. I really think we might have something here and am open to more ideas… help me brainstorm the following?

  • logos
  • tag lines
  • t-shirt concepts
  • floor plan
  • deals/specials (free balls for designated drivers, etc.)
  • live music?
  • potential investors/sponsors

3. Speaking of golf, I played with some guy Friday who after a particularly lucky shot said “Hey, even a blind pig finds an acorn.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Also, I might as well not even carry a sand wedge as I have no clue how I’m supposed to swing it.

4. I can’t decide what kind of neighbor I want to be to these kids on my street.

Should I be “Old Man Beaver,” the menacing curmudgeon that yells and shakes his fist at them for playing and laughing too loud? Or the kind “Mr. Beaver” that smiles warmly and waves when driving by? For now, I guess I’m just the creep at the end of the street that takes photos of neighborhood children from his kitchen window.

5. I’m 34 years old. If I haven’t figured out who I am by now, should I assume I’ll always be nobody?

6. One time in college (if you round up I’m a junior) we went to the Georgia Theatre to see Zoso, a Led Zeppelin cover band. They put on a hell of a show but took themselves a little too seriously. After the show I asked “Robert Plant” if they ever perform “Fool in the Rain,” my favorite Zeppelin song at the time. In a fake British accent (these guys were from Florida, for Christ’s sake) the smug, shirtless frontman replied, “Led Zeppelin never played it live so of course we don’t.” Zeppelin didn’t grow up in St. Petersburg either, jerk off.

7. One of my employees recently called me a narcissist. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, I don’t see how the sex I have with dead bodies is any of her business.

8. If I ever quit my current position for the opportunity to manage the crab shack down the road, I’m going to host a nationally televised press conference to tell America I’ve decided to “take my talents to South Street.”

Special thanks to Mark Dusing for this joke.

9. The Braves are red hot and are so, so fun to watch. And if you don’t know who Evan Gattis a.k.a El Oso Blanco (“The White Bear)” is, educate yourself and enjoy watching this guy swing the bat — without batting gloves, might I add.

10. My new favorite site. Delicious AND hilarious!

11. I’m not sure what scares me more: that I’ll soon run out of material or that I actually ran out months ago.

Have a great week,

-Nate

Thirteen Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “I don’t know where we’re going! I’m just flying by the shit in my pants, here.” -Lindsey Dudgeon, trying a new route home

2. It’s Good Friday. If you’re not posting about God today you clearly hate gays.

3. I lost my phone at Shelby Golf Course last weekend. It must have fallen out of the cart on the fourth fairway (I’d had it on the tee box and it was gone by the time I was putting), but despite all my retracing and re-retracing I couldn’t find it. I even circled back several times to talk to the groups behind me but no one claimed to have seen anything.

Hours later, after an infuriating and ultimately fruitless trip to the Apple Store at Green Hills Mall, I finally received my new phone from a nice young lady at the AT&T store. Her name? Shelby.

I’ll leave it up to Andy to tell me whether or not this qualifies as irony.

4. Is it redundant to say “or not” after using the word “whether” (see directly above)? i.e., does the word “whether” itself imply the alternative that “or not” conveys? It’s shit like this that keeps me up at night, y’all.

5. Having to adjust to a new phone sucks but at least Siri and I were able to pick up right where we left off:

6. Speaking of not sleeping well, I don’t. Sleep well, I mean. Recently, it’s because I’ve been having some awful restaurant dreams: equipment catching fire, livid customers getting in my face, employees staging a unified walkout during a Friday night shift… yeah, just about everything that can go wrong in a restaurant, I’ve dreamed it. And though my dreams aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be it’s still probably time I take a mental health vacation.

7. I’ve never understood why people (mostly women but not always) complain about being objectified. I think I speak for many of us who wish they had that problem.

8. A funny exchange I had with Mike:

Me: You said you had some story to tell me, right?

Mike: Yeah, so Jessica and I were getting ready to go to a friend’s going away party at a local church, when-

Me: Wait, isn’t that called a funeral?

Laughter ensues. End scene.

9. An infuriating conversation I had yesterday afternoon with some shit head at Harris Teeter:

Me: Excuse me sir, is this all the cilantro you have or does there happen to be any more in the back?

Shit Head: Let’s see… no sir, nothing more in the back so what you see is what we have. How much do you need?

Me: (loading product into cart) I was hoping for 30 bunches but this will have to do. Thank you for checking.

Shit Head: Wait, you’re taking all of it?

Me: Yeah, I know it seems silly but our produce truck can’t make it until tomorrow, so-

Shit Head: Well, if you take all of it there’ll be nothing left for our customers.

Me: For your “customers”… (still loading) Huh. What do you consider me, then?

Shit Head: (laughing) You know what I mean.

Me: I’m not sure I do. Also, don’t you stock all this produce hoping that your customers buy it before it goes bad? And if not your customers, some guy like me?

Shit Head: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.

Me: I’m not upset, I’m confused. Also, can you please direct me to non-customer checkout? Just kidding, mostly. Have a nice day.

Shit Head: You too.

End scene. 

10. It’s nice to know the elected officers in our state capitol are confronting the real issues head-on. As-salamu alaykum, y’all.

11. I recently met Lynda Carter at a restaurant. For those who only know her from skin care infomercials, she was also TV’s original Wonder Woman. Anyway, Ms. Carter and her Lasso of Truth gave me my very first hard-on at the ripe age of ten — a fact she was, surprisingly, not at all flattered to hear.

Click to enlarge, so to speak.

11. I was driving through 12 South today and saw this:

David was one of my best friends growing up. Our parents worked together at church. We played on the same basketball, soccer, and baseball teams. We went to Six Flags a hundred times together. His mom gave me piano and swimming lessons (separately, of course).

These days, David is an internationally recognized pastor, theologian and author, having penned the New York Times Best Seller Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream and its follow up, Radical Together: Unleashing the People of God for the Purpose of God.

Me? I run a taco joint and blog about boners. Talk about nature vs. nurture.

12. Speaking of nature, anybody know of a reasonably priced lawnmower and/or four wheeler for sale?

13. Why yes, I WILL be at Turner Field for Opening Day on Monday (vs. Philly, 7:10 EST). Section 123, Row 13, Seat 1. Look for me, I’ll be the one in the Martin Prado jersey (unless someone tells me that’s bad luck).

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

11 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn’t taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallower’s sword and made me feel powerful and godlike.” -Sylvia Plath

2. If you’re wondering why it’s been so long since my last “Thoughts” post, it’s because I finally bought a house…

…and have spent seemingly every spare moment since packing, moving, unpacking, cleaning, organizing, painting, sledgehammering, swearing, and/or going to Home Depot. Owning my own home is great and I wouldn’t trade it for any thing in the world except for maybe all the time in the world to get everything done.

Does one host a “housewarming,” or a “housewarming party”? Is it the former because the latter is redundant? Either way, I’m having one soon and rest assured, some of you will be invited.

Also, I now see how quickly a house can become a money pit, which reminds me to remind you of THIS. You’re welcome.

3. I’ve been meeting with a financial planner over the last month as I’m finally at a point where I can begin putting some money away. During our third meeting he used the phrase “diversify your portfolio.” Frankly, I was disappointed it took him so long.

4. My house is near a Krispy Kreme. Lindsey recently confessed that she’d never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut, so yesterday I pulled into the drive-thru in hopes to give her the transcendent experience (outside of our bedroom, of course) that only the sugary sweet, melt-in-your-melt first bite of a hot Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut can provide. So, I ordered us two original glazed doughnuts and two coffees, certain that when Lindsey looked back on her life she would pinpoint this as that pivotal moment when everything changed.

As we pulled out onto Thompson Lane, however, I realized the doughnuts we were given were NOT piping hot but room temperature and therefore ice fucking cold as far as I’m concerned.

I was so disappointed. Do they not come out hot anymore, or do you have to request them that way? If I’d ordered a dozen, would those have been hot? I don’t understand. Anyway, going to Krispy Kreme and getting cold doughnuts is like going to a strip club where the dancers come out in biohazard suits. Or, a better analogy.

5. Believe it or not I used be a pretty decent baseball player (you know, before everyone else in the league hit puberty). At shortstop I never had any trouble throwing on-target to first base, but after they moved me to pitcher I began to have control issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t find the plate.

I remember one particular game in which I’d allowed two walks on eight consecutive balls — some in the dirt, some way outside, and some head-high. My coach promptly strolled out to the mound, looked me right in the eyes, and said “Okay, Nate. Don’t aim, just throw.”

I’m 34 years old and still have no idea what the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Thanks, Coach.

6. Speaking of baseball, Opening Day is 18 short days from now. In fact, I just heard Chipper will be throwing out the first pitch for the opener (April 1, 7:10 EST vs. Philadelphia). See you there.

Have you met Chipper’s new girlfriend (no joke), Lexi Ray (a.k.a. Taylor Higgins, a.k.a Lexi Ray Higgins)? Here she is:

Man, she sure loves to read.

7. Earlier this week an employee asked me if he could go outside for a quick smoke. Not trying to be funny I replied, “Sure, but don’t make a habit of it.” Now that’s comedy.

8. I understand those Second Amendment activists that continue to fight for the right to protect themselves — I really do — but what about MY right to not get shot in the face by one of the 100 bullets some a-hole can rattle off in four seconds with the AK-47 he found in his uncle’s basement? Shouldn’t that factor in somewhere?

Also, surely the joke “everyone is up in arms over this Second Amendment thing” has been made before, right?

9. Earlier this week I dreamed that my new house was haunted by the ghost of the former owner who was drowned in the bathtub by her husband years ago. In the dream, I’d often wake up or come home to find that the tub’s faucet had mysteriously been turned on. One night, I got up and shuffled to the bathroom to pee. Standing there in front of the toilet in the half-light of the early morning, I suddenly felt the cold clutch of a dead hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain around my ankle. I screamed bloody murder.

I woke up. It was 5am and I had to pee. This time, I held it.

10. Regardless of where you stand in regard to the University of Tennessee, fraternities in general, or puttin’ booze in your butt, you’re sure to find this article/press conference to be damn hilarious. I can’t believe I didn’t hear about this sooner. Thanks Taylor Hart for the link.

11. Some girl (and I can’t remember exactly who) recently saw a picture of Lindsey and me together and said “Man if you guys were in high school, she’d be the ‘popular hot chick’ and you’d be the ‘Dungeons and Dragons kid’!” Hilarious, except I was starting college when Lindsey was entering third grade so we could never be in high school together. Joke’s on you, bitch.

Have a good weekend,

-Nate

13 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “I can’t remember the last time I blacked out drinking.” -Coworker

Of course you can’t, Josh.

2. I always get an uneasy feeling during the “in memorium” segments of the major awards shows (you know, where they flash the names and faces of all the individuals in that industry who died that year). The segment itself doesn’t make me uneasy; what creeps me out is the way the audience’s applause is weighted so heavily towards the “more famous” people. The names roll by one by one and we all say to ourselves, don’t know him… don’t care… who is that?… I sort of remember her… that’s right, HE died this year!  How sad… don’t know…never heard of him… as if certain lives are worth more than others.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it: we’re more familiar with some folks’ lives and work and therefore their deaths seem more palpable. It just makes me sad, that’s all.

3. Please tell me y’all saw Wisconsin’s half-court buzzer-beater Saturday. After Ben Brust’s prayer was answered to tie the game at the end of regulation, the Badgers eventually beat No. 3 Michigan in overtime. I’m not a fan of either team but the finish was unbelievable.

This game got me thinking. What percent of teams/individuals that come from behind late to tie a game go on to win the game in overtime, extra innings, playoff, etc.? It’s gotta be at least 80 percent, right? Surely someone, somewhere, has tracked these stats.

4. After months of deliberation I finally went with Lindsey to get a pedicure. That’s right, a pedicure. I doubt I’ll ever go back but I must admit that it wasn’t nearly as awful as I’d imagined it would be. I mean, I drank a glass of wine while some girl who spoke very little English rubbed on me for twenty minutes. You can get arrested for this in some states.

Don’t worry, my left leg had regenerated by the time I got home. And yes, like all the Beaver men I piss blue when I’m anxious.

5. I have trouble sleeping. There’s nothing more miserable than staring up at the ceiling at four in the morning, with no sounds or anything… just me, alone with my own hollow thoughts. Fucking terrifying.

You’re right, it’s probably time I give therapy another try.

6. I went to Great Clips again this week, where my haircut was only $6.99. Why do I still feel like I got ripped off?

7.  I’d rather have a broken leg than a sore throat. You can prop up a broken leg, take some pain pills, and as long as you’re not trying to walk around you’ll be fine. But with a sore throat, you just have to sit there and take it. That red poison in a spray bottle doesn’t do shit.

8. I just reread everything above and noticed I used a semicolon in #2. Have you ever heard Kurt Vonnegut’s take on semicolons? Here it is:

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

Thanks, Uncle Kurt! But should any of you dare to use them anyway, make sure you know what you’re doing (yes, I double-checked my work).

9. Speaking of college, I went to one once. I finished 1.5 years, which means if you round up I’m a junior. More important, I still have all four years of athletic eligibility so I’m just waiting on that call from Coach Richt.

10. Just reread #8 and noticed I used “colon” and “#2″ in the same sentence. Some things have a way of working themselves out, so to speak.

11. An exchange I had this week with my friend Steve, who got married in October:

Steve: So I taught the dog to high-five today.

Me: Great! Sounds like you and Renee are finally communicating!

Steve: Not cool, man. Not cool.

C’mon Steve, lighten up.

12. I’d like to learn to be less condiment-dependent.

13. If any of you Nashvillians are seeing a doctor of any kind later this afternoon (dentist, OB/GYN, chiropractor, etc), please beware… the guy in scrubs next to me appears to be on his lunch break and just ordered his third Yazoo Sly Rye Porter (5.7% ABV).

He keeps checking his watch so I’m thinking he’s due back at the office soon — maybe for YOUR appointment. If heavy breath and wandering hands aren’t your thing you may want to reschedule.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

11 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.” -Mark Twain

2. Instead of “Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend” I’ve decided to begin issuing “Thoughts Headed Into the Week,” starting today. I hope and trust this won’t ruin anyone’s Friday. Or Monday.

3. I once had this roommate — a male — that sat down to pee, and I used to think it was weird. Was it?

4. I realized the other day just how many folks’ names are in Paul Simon songs. I mean, without even reviewing his catalog I already know he’s got songs featuring a Julio, a Cecilia, a Betty and Al, not to mention “50 Ways to Leave your Lover,” which names a Jack, Stan, Roy, Gus, and Lee.

When I brought this up to Lindsey she didn’t think it was that interesting at all, claiming that anyone whose repertoire is so big is gonna have his share of names. I dunno, though, it still seems like a lot to me.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s no Lou Vega.

5. Who lights the wood fire at Cracker Barrel? Is it some lowly dishwasher/busboy that gets there earlier than everyone else? Or is lighting it a rite of passage, performed by some senior member of the kitchen crew who’s spent years clawing their way up the ranks? I like to think it’s the latter but surely it’s the former, right?

Also, try saying Cracker Barrel five times fast without sounding like a total idiot. Cracker Barrel, Crackle Barrel, Crackle Bearer, Quackel Bell, Quacker Bearwhale. Nailed it!

6. I’m starting to think I stopped composing new music because I quit listening to new music, in the same way I stopped writing ’cause I quit reading. I want to change all that.

So if there’s one record released in the last ten years that I should hear, what is it? Likewise, what book? Please let me know so I can get started. The sooner I begin recording my Sgt. Pepper’s and writing the next great American novel, the better, thanks.

7. I showed Mom the house I’m buying. The bank approves, the home inspector approves, and now Mom approves. I guess now I just need God to approve, and according to my elderly sweet-as-pie would-be neighbors (whom I met yesterday), if it’s “God’s will” for me to have it, I’ll have it. Let’s just hope the creek don’t rise.

8. By the end of 2013 I will be 35 years old. And since there’s no way in hell I’ll live to be older than 71 I’m considering this my hump year.

9. Speaking of old age, I played soccer yesterday with a buddy of mine whose team needs some more players. I was brought in to bolster the offense. I was out of shape, out of sync, and out of rhythm. I even fell down three times and I’m a grown man, for Christ’s sake.

If it was a tryout, I’m guessing they won’t be calling me next week.

10. A funny exchange between Lindsey, me, and my ass:

Me: (farting)

Lindsey: What’d you say?

Me: Nothing. I farted.

Lindsey: Oh.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

After years of blogging I guess I’ve gotten better at talking out of my ass than I realized.

11. I was walking through the restaurant yesterday when I overheard a bar customer asking her friend, “I mean, is it normal to just wake up with a black guy?” Upon another pass I noticed a dark purple bruise under her right eye., and suddenly everything made sense.

Have a good week,

-Nate

13 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” -Frank Lloyd Wright

Or in my case, a keyboard.

2. First, the Braves’ season (and Chipper’s career) ends with a loss in a one-game playoff clouded in controversy over a highly questionable infield fly call. Then, the Dawgs come within five yards and a spiked football away from being SEC champs and playing for the National Championship. Then, after jumping out to a 17-0 lead, the Falcons fail to score a single point in the second half and piss away a spot in the Superbowl.

I was beginning to think I was being punished… until I learned yesterday that the Braves traded away Martin Prado, my favorite player since Ron Gant.

Now I know I’m being punished.

Farewell, Martin. You’ll always have a special place in my heart (and on my back).

3. While it’s true I’m inconsolable over the loss of Prado, I won’t pretend this isn’t hilarious:

4. I have a confession to make: I led you all to believe that last week’s hibachi chef photo was one I took myself, when I actually I found it through a simple Google search. You see, I had taken some great shots of my chef but accidentally deleted them while auditing the nearly 1,700 photos stored in (on?) my phone, but still felt that my hibachi commentary needed a visual aid. So, I found one, used it, and misrepresented myself in the process.

I apologize for betraying your trust. I suppose I’ll soon be hearing from Oprah with Katie Couric right behind her.

5. I love the smell of bleach, but not nearly as much as this lady.

6. I passed this church on the way to what I hope will be my new house.

The “Jesus Only” Tabernacle? Whatever happened to the Holy Trinity? I’ve been out of the game too long.

7. I’ve always thought Bill Maher…

…looked a bit like Pepe Le Pew.

Would you disagree?

8. Last night I dreamed that I was riding in the back of a car driven by Dan Patrick. I wanted to ask him if he ever missed working at ESPN but was terrified to ask him such an unoriginal question. Next thing I knew, I was walking on the side of Lexington Road in Athens, Ga, with hundreds of needles buried in my arms just beneath the skin. I knew I had miles to go before getting home. Every time I stopped to dig out a needle, I’d look up to find that I was standing in the middle of the road, right on the yellow line.

What does this mean?

9. Did anybody see the Total Recall remake that came out a couple of months ago? If so, did it happen to feature a three-breasted woman like the original?

I was twelve when the original came out, and to be honest, these are the only three things I remember.

10. I’m determined to start reading again. I picked up Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut (my hero), and believe it or not I’m finding it… difficult. Not because I’ve forgotten how to read, but because I’ve forgotten how to pay attention to anything for more than five seconds.

I used to read a new book every couple of weeks, but I haven’t finished one in years and that makes me sad.

11. I finally got my new bowling ball yesterday (thanks Lindz!).

The make and model or whatever is “Arson Pearl” but I haven’t decided on just what to name her. I better come up with something quick, though, or I’ll start to feel bad about plunging three fingers up in her for a couple of hours at a time then tossing her back in the closet.

12. Somewhere in North Carolina, my brother is rolling his eyes at me.

13. An exchange I just had with Lindsey:

L: Does your mom know you blog?

Me: I don’t think so.

L: If she were to read it, would she think you’re totally gone?

Me: Most likely.

L: Would it make her cry?

Me: I’m almost certain.

Now that makes me sad.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

13 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “Stop exploiting me. If I could, I’d shit all over your dumbass blog.” -Hank Robert Beaver

2. The first knuckle of my fourth finger pops every time I shake someone’s hand with any real firmness. Does this make me less of a man? Or, is it my boyish figure and high-pitchedness?

3. Whenever someone that’s not an idiot says “great minds think alike” I try and remember to respond with “I was just about to say that.”

4. I’ve rediscovered my love for hibachi-style japanese food. This guy was my chef at my most recent visit to Tokyo in Green Hills:

This is my kind of chef. A true renegade, slinging rice and shrimp and zucchini and fire with wreckless abandon, nearly singing my eyebrows in the process — but in total control all the while. The consummate pro, too, putting on one hell of a show for the only five people in the restaurant at 2 on a Monday afternoon.

The three forty-something ladies across the table were less impressed, however, as they were too busy discussing recent developments surrounding the ringleader’s ex-husband. According to her, “if you’re texting someone to stroking your penis it’s a good sign you were molested.”

Not necessarily… Either way, check please!

5. A funny exchange between Lindsey and me:

Scene.

Lindsey: (opening a bag of Skittles as I sit next to her with a vodka-soda in hand) You ever think about dropping one of these in there? I bet it’d taste good.

Me: That reminds me of something my friends used to do in high school… are you too young to remember Zima?

Lindsey: Sure… the Warrior Princess?

Me: No, idiot.

End scene.

6. Sometimes I watch Pawn Stars. From time to time, the store owners have to bring in experts on sports memorabilia, military artifacts, classic cars, etc., to weigh in on certain items. When this happens I always think about how there’s nothing in the world for which I’d ever be called on to offer any expertise. Then, I get sad.

7. I’d like to have written an episode of The Jeffersons in which Mrs. Jefferson plucks her eyebrows too thin, and upon seeing her, George says “Whoa! Easy on the tweezy, pleasy, Weezy!”

8. Terms/phrases seemingly only used in sports commentating vernacular:

“unabated”
“tenacious”
“death by a thousand paper cuts”
“chippy”
“presence of mind” (thanks, Mike!)
“wreckless abandon”
“pandemonium”

Surely there are more, right?

9. Okay to leave on the floor at Logan’s Roadhouse: my peanut shells. NOT okay to leave on the floor at Logan’s Roadhouse: my urine, apparently.

10. They’re building a house across the street from me, which means I wake up every morning at daybreak to them hammering away like crazy. Do these guys not know that it makes everyone within earshot miserable or do they simply not care?

Man, I’d like to show up outside one of THEIR houses one morning an hour before their alarm goes off and start nailing something — like their wife, maybe. 

11. I’m probably going to ask my dad to NOT read today’s post.

12. Speaking of houses, the house I’m planning to buy just passed its home inspection with flying colors. So, assuming it appraises to the bank’s approval I’ll be moving in by the end of next month.

Here’s a few shots of the finished part of the basement, which used to be a recording studio:

If I choose not to resurrect the studio, I’m thinking I could always rent the space out to a local low-budget porn production company. Hell, it’s already got dim lighting, a makeshift stripper pole, and a murphy bed… how hard could it be to track down a couple of horny dudes and a barely legal girl with daddy issues?

13. Yeah, I’m definitely going to ask Dad to skip this post.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

Fifteen Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “What’s the matter with your problem?” -My stepdad, the confused disciplinarian, circa 1995

2. A funny conversation I had with a coworker:

Me: Quick, what’s your favorite Lionel Richie song?

Coworker: Easy. “Hello.”

(impromptu singing of chorus ensues)

Me: Man, that’s a good one, do you remember the video?

Coworker: Yeah, the one where he’s dancing around on the ceiling?

Me: No, that’s “Dancing on the Ceiling.”

Coworker: Wait, are you sure?

Me: Positive.

3. I’ve implemented a new routine in the bathroom but I won’t discuss it here ’cause that’s gross, man.

4.  A short list of things I thought at one point I could be (and when I gave up the idea):

Famous explorer (3th grade)
NBA basketball player (4th grade)
That guy at Six Flags that draws caricatures (6th grade)
Stand-up comedian (7th grade, see #5)
Poet Laureate (8th grade)
Illustrator/Painter (11th grade)
Professional soccer player (12th grade)
Teacher (age 19)
College graduate (age 20, 21)
Lead singer of famous rock band (age 24)
Critically-acclaimed singer-songwriter (summer 2013)
Respected blogger (next summer)

5. Guys: don’t spit your gum out in a urinal. Someone, very likely a sweet lady your mom’s age, has to clean it out.

6. A truck driver tried to take a right from 16th onto Edgehill yesterday and ended up taking part of 16th with him:

I felt bad for the guy, but not so bad that I didn’t run down the street to take photos while laughing hysterically as he glared at me through the windshield.

7. Remember the house I mentioned before? The one that was perfect for me but I didn’t end up buying because it needed too much work? Well, I found one that’s even perfecter. A big-ass modern kitchen, living room, two big bedrooms, hardwood floors, huge-ass deck, finished attic, and recording studio (complete with murphy bed) in the basement… ALL SITTING ON THREE ACRES OF WOODS.

If the deal goes through I’m gonna need some flannel shirts. Further bulletins as events warrant…

8. Those damn Nike running shorts… Does every woman age 18-35 own a pair of these things?

9. You’ve seen Hank’s Slow Walk (see #6) and Poop Walk (see #7). Now, I’m proud to introduce you to his groundbreaking new venture, “Poop Art” (surely paying fecal homage to Warhol’s “Pop Art”):

Is this particular piece a biting satire of the human condition or merely a commentary on modern society’s decay? You’ll have to ask him.

He may not look like a true artistic visionary, but neither did Da Vinci, Picasso, or Luke Bryan.

10. I think even Jesus would have to agree that Christians are probably the worst thing to ever happen to Christianity.

11. Here’s a link to upload the Atlanta Braves 2013 schedule into your calendar of choice:

Braves 2013

You’re welcome.

12. Speaking of Atlanta teams with whom I have an unhealthy obsession, can I please get a Falcons victory this weekend? We haven’t made a true championship run since the1998 season, way back when I thought I’d be a college graduate and Eugene Robinson was getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute before Super Bowl XXXIII.

Talk about “Rising Up”… Zing.

13. Which daily kindergarten activity would you like to have as a mandatory part of your current job: nap time or recess?

14. Which song would you rather never hear again: “Sweet Home Alabama” or “Brown Eyed Girl”?

15. Thanks to all who chimed in two Fridays ago with suggestions for Hank-compatible songs! My favorite suggestion came from a Jason Lunday (whoever the hell that is):

“One song, three options.
Hanky Breaky Heart
Achy Hanky Heart
Achy Breaky Hank”

Not bad at all, Mr. Lunday.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

Thirteen Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

Drafted Thursday, January 3.

1. “When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.” -Kurt Vonnegut

2. I just sat down at Melrose Pub to write tomorrow’s blog and can’t help but notice the exceptionally large breasts peeking out from a dress at a table behind me:

Nice work, lady! Looks like the photo finish of a blimp race. And yes, that’s my playoff beard. Go Falcons.

3. As it turns out, the house I was all set to buy — the one that was perfect for me, the one I’d fallen in love with — needs another $12K of work to be livable and neither the seller nor I are willing to pay for it. So, I’m back to the drawing board. As Lindsey said, “better to have the deal fall through than the roof.” Indeed.

4.  I realized recently that I’ve had the same six songs in my head for nearly ten years. It’s been a constant rotation of the following:

“New Slang” by The Shins
“Sweet Illusions” by Ryan Adams
“Beds are Burning” by Midnight Oil
“I’ve Just Seen a Face” by The Beatles
“All the Right Reasons” by The Jayhawks
“Dissident” by Pearl Jam

I need some new music. Any suggestions?

4. I’d like to think I could outrun most police officers, except for maybe this one.

5. My sweet 84 year-old grandmother still gives me Christmas gifts in the form of personal checks, God bless her. I dropped by mom’s house today to pick up the check Granny left for me there over Christmas. Hank came with me, but this time that little fucker stayed in the car.

Thanks for the fifty bucks, Granny! Should be just enough to have mom’s carpet cleaned.

6. Speaking of Hank, he’s really gonna miss that Christmas tree (for more on Hank’s slow-walk fetish, go here and/or here…. what an adorable, twisted freak!)

7. My buddy Taylor shared with me an article about the Braves bringing back the old “screaming Indian” logo:

Can I support this totally awesome logo while simultaneously remaining sensitive to the Native Americans whose outcries of racism forced it to be officially retired in 1989? Probably not.

Can we maybe meet in the middle and at least bring back Chief Noc-a-Homa? Also, if I like their race, how can that be racist?

8. The aforementioned breasts are leaving the building as we speak. See ya later, girls!

9. When did it become cool for guys to call other guys in their circle of friends by their surnames, and how did this come about? Moreover, why don’t women do it? You never heard some girl say “yeah, Meadows and Patterson are coming over for drinks before we meet up at Olive Garden for girls’ night.”

I don’t understand, really. I mean, I’ve been called Beaver most of my life but that’s just because guys like saying “Beaver.”

9. Yesterday a meatball snuck out of the end of my sandwich and onto my hand, rolled down my arm, then plopped off my elbow onto the coffee table in cartoonish fashion.

I was too impressed with the sheer physical improbability of it all to be upset.

10. It’s a good thing I grew up with enough bad seeds around me to have learned how to swear properly. Otherwise I’d have had to rely on edited-for-TV movies, in which case I’d still be calling puppy-ass monkey lovers out for their bull spit.

11. Even if paper towels aren’t an option, do NOT stick your face in one of those XLERATOR hand dryers. Trust me on this one.

12. A funny exchange I had last night with Lindsey about 30 minutes into a Redbox movie:

Lindsey: This is moving along pretty slowly, don’t you think?

Me: Come on, It’s Trouble with the Curve not Trouble with the Fastball.

13. I just realized that Billy Blanks (the Tae Bo guy)…

…is the same guy from the opening scene of The Last Boy Scout, the only theater movie my parents wouldn’t let me stay to watch.

I guess after a football field murder/suicide, a strip club beatdown, and subsequent car chase/shoot out (leaving one guy pinched at the knees between a tractor-trailer and a Corvette, drenched in his own blood while still mowing drug dealers down with his two AK-47s), my dad had seen enough.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate