Normally I like to post these “Thoughts for the Week” blogs on Monday… Hell, I would’ve liked to post it two months ago but sometimes things come up like second jobs, surgeries, and dogs licking your butt hole (yeah, see below)…
1. I was thinking about getting some of those “transition lenses”… you know, those prescription glasses that self-tint in brighter environments. Those are definitely cool, right?
2. When I was little I used to whack lightning bugs in mid-air with a tennis racket and marvel at how they’d streak like little comets across the sky before falling dead to the ground. Or, I’d put them in a jar and watch them piss around for five minutes before I’d move onto something else, leaving them to die of starvation and/or boredom. Now, I feel pretty terrible about both.
3. I used to believe that there are no such things as stupid questions.
4. During my college years in Athens, my friend Matt once took me out to the rock quarry where he and his friends used to go party during the summers back in high school. After doing it himself, Matt dared me to jump of the quarry’s cliff into the seemingly bottomless pool of water 40 feet below. I jumped without hesitation. After crawling out of the water and climbing back up top, however, the second jump — or getting myself amped to go through with it, at least — proved much more difficult. For whatever reason it took me at least 20 minutes of focused pacing and self-administered pep talks to even attempt to do again what I’d just done easily a few minutes before.
But why? Why was it scarier once I knew just what to expect? Sure, the first fall was intense but I splashed down safely. Sure, the water was eerily dark and its depths increasingly colder but I made it back to the surface with ease. The whole thing seemed to work against conventional wisdom: the “unknown” hadn’t been scary at all while the recently familiar shook me to the core.
I don’t know what any of this means but surely there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. If any Southern Baptist preachers out there want to use this, it’s all yours.
5. I recently caught that band Linkin Park on TV playing some outdoor show in front of what had to be half a million people. Which is weird to me, cause I’ve never met one person that likes that band. Maybe they were opening for Paul McCartney or something?
6. Last weekend I went to Santa’s Pub after having told myself I would never go again. Then I danced, which I swore I’d never do again. Yes, I fucking danced. Like, to music. What’s wrong with me? I need to set reachable goals.
7. Awhile back, when I was blogging regularly, I scribbled the following note in hopes to remember a dream I’d planned on sharing with y’all later:
“escorting a pantsless customer to the door…I’m gonna show this lady what I’m made of”
I sure would like to remember what I was planning to do to that lady.
8. Valets think they’re such hot shit.
9. I learned over Thanksgiving that nobody loves me more — and finds me more annoying — than my brother, Andy.
10. Speaking of Thanksgiving, here’s an exchange I had Thursday with a gas station clerk just north of Dalton, GA, on my way home from Atlanta:
Me: Hey there, how are you?
Clerk: Beef jerky and Mountain Dew… you’re gonna ruin your turkey dinner, aintcha?
Me: Actually, no… I had a great Thanksgiving dinner last night, the only night I was able to see everybody on that side of my family.
Clerk: Huh. Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?
Me: Uh, if the purpose of Thanksgiving is something other than to share a wonderful meal with your loved ones, then yeah, I guess. Thanks. Happy Holidays.
11. Took this picture recently… regardless of how you feel about our Commander in Chief, this is funny, right?
People get SO sensitive about politiks.
12. Luckily I’ve never had to hear the Miranda rights myself but when cops say that part about “anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” — are both the “can” and “will” necessary? Wouldn’t either alone suffice?? Who knows? Also, who cares?
13. Speaking of cops, the closest I’ve ever come to being arrested was either 1) the time Ben Blue begged the would-be arresting Brentwood police officer not to search his car because, as Ben put it, “we’ve been honest with you about being stoned and smoking pot* so why would I lie to you about not having any weed in the car?”, or 2) the time I got pulled over (and subsequently “breathalyzed”) for speeding while racing to get to work at Southern Cross Horse Ranch/Bed and Breakfast one morning after staying up ’til 4am drinking Maker’s Mark with Josh and Charlie in Athens (which was customary in those days).
Oh yeah, and then there was the time I played a show in Columbus, GA, drank three beers, took a two-hour nap in the green room, then drove back to Madison (where I worked at the aforementioned SCHR/B&B) and got pulled over for speeding at Exit 113, one short of my Exit 114. The officer smelled stale booze on my breath and had me do all the field sobriety tests, which I aced. He let me go home with a warning to “slow down ’round here” and wished me “good luck in my artistic endeavors.” I gave him a CD. For free, of course.
14. Don’t think it doesn’t bother me that these “thoughts” read much like all those “[enter arbitrary number here] Things You Didn’t Know About Me” posts that seem to be so popular on Facebook these days.
15. This morning upon stepping out of the shower I immediately smelled a Cooper turd. Without getting dressed or even drying off I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and headed towards the pile of poop waiting for me in the guest room. As soon as I squatted to pick it up Cooper himself snuck up from behind and licked me right in the asshole. I nearly hit the ceiling.
I can now say definitively that I do NOT like that — a tongue in my asshole, I mean. Sorry, ladies.
Also, this is Cooper:
FYI he’s a lot cuter when you’re not holding a steaming pile of his shit in your hands.
14. A few days ago I overheard some businessy guy at a coffee shop say to two underlings, “I mean, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, did it really happen? Of course not.” I didn’t stick around long enough to hear how he brought it all home for them, but man, what a cheese dick.
15. I just remembered a song I used to love in high school, “Alien” by Bush. I just Googled it. In addition to the song itself, this came up.
The song no longer does it for me but the pic sure does.
16. I decided that I’d like to be crowned 2014′s “Comeback Player of the Year.”
17. I’m gonna try to stop being funny all the time. Nothing smells worse than desperation.
That’s all for now,
* Sorry Dad.