1. “Cheese is the bacon of non-meats.” -Chip Evans
2. Remember last week when I said I was 37? Yeah, it took a text from an old friend (thanks TCJ, you son of a bitch) for me to realize I’m actually 36. That’s right, I’m old enough now to be forgetting how old I am, so there’s that.
3. I finally beat my old man in golf. It was always gonna take a good day for me and a bad day for him for it to happen, but by god, it did. Rather than getting pissed that his second-born was getting the best of him, however, Dad couldn’t have been more gracious in defeat: “Nice putt, Nate!” “You’re really clubbin’ it today.” “Proud of ya, son.”
Dad, would it have killed you to cuss or throw a club or something? Geez.
4. After four magical years we’ve decided to downgrade our premium cable plan to the basic, third-world package. It’s a real culture shock, particularly the late-night programming… I mean I’m having to settle for Fox News cleavage, people. Do you know what that’s like for a staunch Democrat like myself?
5. The heavy-set, tank top wearing lady sitting next to me has apparently gotten a bit warm and is now fanning herself with a menu. I normally wouldn’t mind but she’s wafting her middle-age BO right in my face. Stale, sour, and wet. So gross, but y’all already know how hypersensitive I am to armpits…
Also, I’ve never really written out “BO” before. What’s better, “B.O.”? “b.o.”? Nothing looks right all of a sudden but there’s sure as hell nothing funny about “body odor” in long form, am I right?
6. I found this book on the kitchen counter the other day:
Something you wanna tell me, Linds?
7. Bread bowls think they’re such hot shit.
8. I still can’t decide if I’d have sex with Taylor Swift.
9. Speaking of sex, this is how North Chattanooga convenience stores package and peddle adult DVDs (right up front with the 5-Hour Energies and coffee machines):
“Hey, can I get ten bucks on pump six, a pack of Newports, and that pink interracial you got up there? Nah, the other one… the 3-pack.”
For the record I only went inside for a Snapple. And don’t think for a second the “interracial 3-pack” double entendre (triple, even?) is lost on me.
10. If you drink half of a 5-Hour Energy, are you wired for two and a half hours or only half-wired for the full five?
11. I’m pretty good at a FEW things but I’d trade that to be great at just ONE thing.
12. What exactly is an “honest mistake”? Is this a totally nonsensical term or am I honestly mistaken?
13. As you know, 2014 was not a great blogging year for me but all along I made notes referencing topics I planned to discuss/mock later. After so many months, however, I’ve forgotten what half of them mean. Checking my list as we speak, I’m totally clueless as to what these were ever in reference to:
-Whistle in my teeth, old man now?
-Zombie paintball hayride
-Ben Affleck full frontal, Kevin’s Bacon
-Do not go gently into that Dark Knight
-Wanting to be somebody’s “source”
-Automatic flusher big penis
-Opening a straw is like stabbing motion
-Spoiled women are rarely unattractive
The world may never know.
14. I think I could really shine as one of those trashy Hollywood talk show guys that gossip about celebrities and their relationships, scandals, clothes, etc. But, then of course I’d be one of those trashy Hollywood talk show guys that gossip about celebrities, and that’s just no way to live. Also I’m not gay, which seems to be a prerequisite for males in that line of work.
Let me take this opportunity to say officially that I believe strongly in each’s right to love whoever they want and fully support the LGBT community and its fight for equality. I mean I even kissed a gay man once (no tongue, though Tom will argue otherwise) as part of a deal to get two girls to make out, for whatever LGBT street cred that’s worth.
15. I much prefer getting drunk to being drunk.
‘Til next week,