11 Thoughts Headed into the Weekend

1. “I don’t know exactly what I mean by that, but I mean it.” -J.D. Salinger

2. Please tell me you saw Chipper’s walk-off homer Wednesday night. I swear to God I almost cried.

Also, I’m on the fence now about who I hate more: the Philadelphia Phillies or the Florida Gators. Ask me again in November.

3. Speaking of the Braves, I wonder how many times I say, scream, or mutter the word “fuck” during each telecast (especially the losses, though there are still plenty of reasons to let ‘em fly throughout the course of a win). I kept a rough tally yesterday and counted 25 from just the fifth inning on during our eventual loss to the Phillies. Extrapolating this into a full nine-inning contest, I’m averaging in the neighborhood of 45 f-bombs per loss. This means that even if by some act of God this year’s Braves were to match the winningest season in modern MLB history — 116 wins, by the 2001 Seattle Mariners — I could still expect to drop 2,070 “fuck!”s during the 46 losses. What’s more realistic, though, is that we’ll finish with about 90 wins, which means around 72 losses, which should make for at least 3,240 “fuck!”s that I’ll yell or whisper at no one in particular this season. This can’t be healthy.

If there’s a point here, it’s this: it’s not much fun to watch Atlanta Braves baseball with me. Also, sorry Mom and Dad.

4. I saw a t-shirt the other night that had the following words arranged just so across the back:

SCRATCH
and
SNIFF
ME

It’d be one thing, I guess, if the text had been stretched across the front but instead it sat right there on the back with the “ME” holding steady just above the ass, which just so happened to be showing a little whale tail. Kinda grossed me out, honestly.

5. Yesterday, two employees told me I’d be more attractive if I smiled more. I didn’t have the heart to tell them they’d be more attractive if they kept their damn traps shut. I should probably fire them.

What gives? I smile sometimes, don’t I? Sure I do. Pretty sure I do, at least. Sometimes. 

6. If someone who didn’t know me happened to read #s 2-5 of this post, I bet they’d think I was a real jerk.

7. I think I’d make a good undercover narcotics officer (among other things, as you know).

8. I don’t appreciate all these Vandy and Belmont kids rubbing their upcoming graduations in my face. You don’t hear me talking shit to them about the two spelling bees I won, do you? Of course you don’t. And yes, it IS the exact same thing.

9. You know how you learn of a new word or phrase (or new meaning of a word or phrase) and then it seems like you hear it five times a day for the next two weeks? During a recent weekend in Athens, Georgia, I heard Josh use the phrase “in a minute” which I learned meant “a long time” (I think his exact words were “It’s been ‘a minute’ since I’ve seen her, she looks great.”). Now I hear it around here almost daily (“I haven’t eaten in a minute, you wanna grab a bite?”, “Where’ve you been, I’ve been waiting for a minute,” etc.). Is this some new thing people say? If so, should I assume it’s been lifted from one of the more popular television shows of today, like Cheers or Newhart?

10. I just realized I didn’t call my niece Madeline during her birthday party last week. I’m worse than Uncle Buck; even he turned out to be pretty good in the end. I’m so sorry, Sweetpea, that your Uncle Nate is such a deadbeat. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.

11. If someone who didn’t know me happened to read #s 7-10 of this post, I bet they’d think I was a real asshole.

This has to be my surliest and most cynical post to date. Don’t worry, I promise I (and my posts) will be better next week.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

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