1. “I can’t remember the last time I blacked out drinking.” -Coworker
Of course you can’t, Josh.
2. I always get an uneasy feeling during the “in memorium” segments of the major awards shows (you know, where they flash the names and faces of all the individuals in that industry who died that year). The segment itself doesn’t make me uneasy; what creeps me out is the way the audience’s applause is weighted so heavily towards the “more famous” people. The names roll by one by one and we all say to ourselves, don’t know him… don’t care… who is that?… I sort of remember her… that’s right, HE died this year! How sad… don’t know…never heard of him… as if certain lives are worth more than others.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally get it: we’re more familiar with some folks’ lives and work and therefore their deaths seem more palpable. It just makes me sad, that’s all.
3. Please tell me y’all saw Wisconsin’s half-court buzzer-beater Saturday. After Ben Brust’s prayer was answered to tie the game at the end of regulation, the Badgers eventually beat No. 3 Michigan in overtime. I’m not a fan of either team but the finish was unbelievable.
This game got me thinking. What percent of teams/individuals that come from behind late to tie a game go on to win the game in overtime, extra innings, playoff, etc.? It’s gotta be at least 80 percent, right? Surely someone, somewhere, has tracked these stats.
4. After months of deliberation I finally went with Lindsey to get a pedicure. That’s right, a pedicure. I doubt I’ll ever go back but I must admit that it wasn’t nearly as awful as I’d imagined it would be. I mean, I drank a glass of wine while some girl who spoke very little English rubbed on me for twenty minutes. You can get arrested for this in some states.
Don’t worry, my left leg had regenerated by the time I got home. And yes, like all the Beaver men I piss blue when I’m anxious.
5. I have trouble sleeping. There’s nothing more miserable than staring up at the ceiling at four in the morning, with no sounds or anything… just me, alone with my own hollow thoughts. Fucking terrifying.
You’re right, it’s probably time I give therapy another try.
6. I went to Great Clips again this week, where my haircut was only $6.99. Why do I still feel like I got ripped off?
7. I’d rather have a broken leg than a sore throat. You can prop up a broken leg, take some pain pills, and as long as you’re not trying to walk around you’ll be fine. But with a sore throat, you just have to sit there and take it. That red poison in a spray bottle doesn’t do shit.
8. I just reread everything above and noticed I used a semicolon in #2. Have you ever heard Kurt Vonnegut’s take on semicolons? Here it is:
“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”
Thanks, Uncle Kurt! But should any of you dare to use them anyway, make sure you know what you’re doing (yes, I double-checked my work).
9. Speaking of college, I went to one once. I finished 1.5 years, which means if you round up I’m a junior. More important, I still have all four years of athletic eligibility so I’m just waiting on that call from Coach Richt.
10. Just reread #8 and noticed I used “colon” and “#2″ in the same sentence. Some things have a way of working themselves out, so to speak.
11. An exchange I had this week with my friend Steve, who got married in October:
Steve: So I taught the dog to high-five today.
Me: Great! Sounds like you and Renee are finally communicating!
Steve: Not cool, man. Not cool.
C’mon Steve, lighten up.
12. I’d like to learn to be less condiment-dependent.
13. If any of you Nashvillians are seeing a doctor of any kind later this afternoon (dentist, OB/GYN, chiropractor, etc), please beware… the guy in scrubs next to me appears to be on his lunch break and just ordered his third Yazoo Sly Rye Porter (5.7% ABV).
He keeps checking his watch so I’m thinking he’s due back at the office soon — maybe for YOUR appointment. If heavy breath and wandering hands aren’t your thing you may want to reschedule.
Have a great weekend,