1. “I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn’t taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallower’s sword and made me feel powerful and godlike.” -Sylvia Plath
2. If you’re wondering why it’s been so long since my last “Thoughts” post, it’s because I finally bought a house…
…and have spent seemingly every spare moment since packing, moving, unpacking, cleaning, organizing, painting, sledgehammering, swearing, and/or going to Home Depot. Owning my own home is great and I wouldn’t trade it for any thing in the world except for maybe all the time in the world to get everything done.
Does one host a “housewarming,” or a “housewarming party”? Is it the former because the latter is redundant? Either way, I’m having one soon and rest assured, some of you will be invited.
Also, I now see how quickly a house can become a money pit, which reminds me to remind you of THIS. You’re welcome.
3. I’ve been meeting with a financial planner over the last month as I’m finally at a point where I can begin putting some money away. During our third meeting he used the phrase “diversify your portfolio.” Frankly, I was disappointed it took him so long.
4. My house is near a Krispy Kreme. Lindsey recently confessed that she’d never had a Krispy Kreme doughnut, so yesterday I pulled into the drive-thru in hopes to give her the transcendent experience (outside of our bedroom, of course) that only the sugary sweet, melt-in-your-melt first bite of a hot Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut can provide. So, I ordered us two original glazed doughnuts and two coffees, certain that when Lindsey looked back on her life she would pinpoint this as that pivotal moment when everything changed.
As we pulled out onto Thompson Lane, however, I realized the doughnuts we were given were NOT piping hot but room temperature and therefore ice fucking cold as far as I’m concerned.
I was so disappointed. Do they not come out hot anymore, or do you have to request them that way? If I’d ordered a dozen, would those have been hot? I don’t understand. Anyway, going to Krispy Kreme and getting cold doughnuts is like going to a strip club where the dancers come out in biohazard suits. Or, a better analogy.
5. Believe it or not I used be a pretty decent baseball player (you know, before everyone else in the league hit puberty). At shortstop I never had any trouble throwing on-target to first base, but after they moved me to pitcher I began to have control issues. Sometimes I just couldn’t find the plate.
I remember one particular game in which I’d allowed two walks on eight consecutive balls — some in the dirt, some way outside, and some head-high. My coach promptly strolled out to the mound, looked me right in the eyes, and said “Okay, Nate. Don’t aim, just throw.”
I’m 34 years old and still have no idea what the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Thanks, Coach.
6. Speaking of baseball, Opening Day is 18 short days from now. In fact, I just heard Chipper will be throwing out the first pitch for the opener (April 1, 7:10 EST vs. Philadelphia). See you there.
Have you met Chipper’s new girlfriend (no joke), Lexi Ray (a.k.a. Taylor Higgins, a.k.a Lexi Ray Higgins)? Here she is:
Man, she sure loves to read.
7. Earlier this week an employee asked me if he could go outside for a quick smoke. Not trying to be funny I replied, “Sure, but don’t make a habit of it.” Now that’s comedy.
8. I understand those Second Amendment activists that continue to fight for the right to protect themselves — I really do — but what about MY right to not get shot in the face by one of the 100 bullets some a-hole can rattle off in four seconds with the AK-47 he found in his uncle’s basement? Shouldn’t that factor in somewhere?
Also, surely the joke “everyone is up in arms over this Second Amendment thing” has been made before, right?
9. Earlier this week I dreamed that my new house was haunted by the ghost of the former owner who was drowned in the bathtub by her husband years ago. In the dream, I’d often wake up or come home to find that the tub’s faucet had mysteriously been turned on. One night, I got up and shuffled to the bathroom to pee. Standing there in front of the toilet in the half-light of the early morning, I suddenly felt the cold clutch of a dead hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain around my ankle. I screamed bloody murder.
I woke up. It was 5am and I had to pee. This time, I held it.
10. Regardless of where you stand in regard to the University of Tennessee, fraternities in general, or puttin’ booze in your butt, you’re sure to find this article/press conference to be damn hilarious. I can’t believe I didn’t hear about this sooner. Thanks Taylor Hart for the link.
11. Some girl (and I can’t remember exactly who) recently saw a picture of Lindsey and me together and said “Man if you guys were in high school, she’d be the ‘popular hot chick’ and you’d be the ‘Dungeons and Dragons kid’!” Hilarious, except I was starting college when Lindsey was entering third grade so we could never be in high school together. Joke’s on you, bitch.
Have a good weekend,