1. “I don’t know where we’re going! I’m just flying by the shit in my pants, here.” -Lindsey Dudgeon, trying a new route home
2. It’s Good Friday. If you’re not posting about God today you clearly hate gays.
3. I lost my phone at Shelby Golf Course last weekend. It must have fallen out of the cart on the fourth fairway (I’d had it on the tee box and it was gone by the time I was putting), but despite all my retracing and re-retracing I couldn’t find it. I even circled back several times to talk to the groups behind me but no one claimed to have seen anything.
Hours later, after an infuriating and ultimately fruitless trip to the Apple Store at Green Hills Mall, I finally received my new phone from a nice young lady at the AT&T store. Her name? Shelby.
I’ll leave it up to Andy to tell me whether or not this qualifies as irony.
4. Is it redundant to say “or not” after using the word “whether” (see directly above)? i.e., does the word “whether” itself imply the alternative that “or not” conveys? It’s shit like this that keeps me up at night, y’all.
5. Having to adjust to a new phone sucks but at least Siri and I were able to pick up right where we left off:
6. Speaking of not sleeping well, I don’t. Sleep well, I mean. Recently, it’s because I’ve been having some awful restaurant dreams: equipment catching fire, livid customers getting in my face, employees staging a unified walkout during a Friday night shift… yeah, just about everything that can go wrong in a restaurant, I’ve dreamed it. And though my dreams aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be it’s still probably time I take a mental health vacation.
7. I’ve never understood why people (mostly women but not always) complain about being objectified. I think I speak for many of us who wish they had that problem.
8. A funny exchange I had with Mike:
Me: You said you had some story to tell me, right?
Mike: Yeah, so Jessica and I were getting ready to go to a friend’s going away party at a local church, when-
Me: Wait, isn’t that called a funeral?
Laughter ensues. End scene.
9. An infuriating conversation I had yesterday afternoon with some shit head at Harris Teeter:
Me: Excuse me sir, is this all the cilantro you have or does there happen to be any more in the back?
Shit Head: Let’s see… no sir, nothing more in the back so what you see is what we have. How much do you need?
Me: (loading product into cart) I was hoping for 30 bunches but this will have to do. Thank you for checking.
Shit Head: Wait, you’re taking all of it?
Me: Yeah, I know it seems silly but our produce truck can’t make it until tomorrow, so-
Shit Head: Well, if you take all of it there’ll be nothing left for our customers.
Me: For your “customers”… (still loading) Huh. What do you consider me, then?
Shit Head: (laughing) You know what I mean.
Me: I’m not sure I do. Also, don’t you stock all this produce hoping that your customers buy it before it goes bad? And if not your customers, some guy like me?
Shit Head: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.
Me: I’m not upset, I’m confused. Also, can you please direct me to non-customer checkout? Just kidding, mostly. Have a nice day.
Shit Head: You too.
10. It’s nice to know the elected officers in our state capitol are confronting the real issues head-on. As-salamu alaykum, y’all.
11. I recently met Lynda Carter at a restaurant. For those who only know her from skin care infomercials, she was also TV’s original Wonder Woman. Anyway, Ms. Carter and her Lasso of Truth gave me my very first hard-on at the ripe age of ten — a fact she was, surprisingly, not at all flattered to hear.
Click to enlarge, so to speak.
11. I was driving through 12 South today and saw this:
David was one of my best friends growing up. Our parents worked together at church. We played on the same basketball, soccer, and baseball teams. We went to Six Flags a hundred times together. His mom gave me piano and swimming lessons (separately, of course).
These days, David is an internationally recognized pastor, theologian and author, having penned the New York Times Best Seller Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream and its follow up, Radical Together: Unleashing the People of God for the Purpose of God.
Me? I run a taco joint and blog about boners. Talk about nature vs. nurture.
12. Speaking of nature, anybody know of a reasonably priced lawnmower and/or four wheeler for sale?
13. Why yes, I WILL be at Turner Field for Opening Day on Monday (vs. Philly, 7:10 EST). Section 123, Row 13, Seat 1. Look for me, I’ll be the one in the Martin Prado jersey (unless someone tells me that’s bad luck).
Have a great weekend,