1. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” -Lily Tomlin
2. I’m trying to get back on a consistent track with this “Thoughts Headed Into the Week” thing (instead of “Weekend”). Please bear with me as I figure out what works best. Also, I apologize in advance for any “Humpday Thoughts” post or other one-offs you may see in the meantime — like Hank, I’m sure life makes more sense for y’all when it follows a routine.
3. Yes, I made it to Atlanta last week for Opening Day at Turner Field. Yes, it was spectacular. Yes, we won, like I hope to God we continue to do.
Unlike the Braves, however, Marta did not make any off-season moves to bolster its chances for success in 2013. In fact, I had probably the worst public transportation experience of my life on the way to the game, rivaled only by the subsequent trip home and maybe the time I found a human turd under my seat during the 1996 Olympics.
Speaking of public transit, this is one of my favorite The Onion articles ever. I’m thinking 98 percent may be a bit conservative, what about you?
4. A funny exchange between Lindsey and me during the top of the 3rd inning:
Lindsey: What’ll you give me if I eat this hot dog all in one bite?
Me: The Heimlich maneuver, probably.
Laughter ensues. End scene.
5. We stayed with Dad and Janice in their brand new Marietta condo the night before the game. During our tour of the place I noticed this on the master bedroom’s headboard:
Evidently a traditional, doorknob-free headboard does not provide dear old Dad with the leverage he needs when sexing. Now, I did not ask him what balance and/or strength issues the knob helps to counteract but here’s to hoping this apparent need for such bedroom resourcefulness skips a generation.
6. My niece and nephew are ages five and six. When is it too soon to give them the “stay in school or you’ll end up like your uncle” speech?
7. I’ll never understand why my mom used to get onto me about “ruining my appetite.” If I was ruining my appetite, didn’t that mean I was getting the sustenance my body was telling me I needed? If so, isn’t that a good thing? She might as well have threatened to ground me for quenching my thirst or regulating my body temperature.
8. I’ll also never understand why I never get invited to play in celebrity golf tournaments: 1) I play golf, and 2) I’ve won two spelling bees, shared the stage with Cyndi Lauper on Fox 5′s Good Morning Atlanta, and appeared on pg. 22 of the April 1996 issue of Teen Magazine. What else do they want?
9. Speaking of golf, when I retire I’d like to open a bar on a big ass piece of land where you can drink beer and hit golf balls into an open pasture all day long. I’ll call it “Nate’s Drink & Drive.” Cash only. Free balls for the DD. Thoughts?
10. I recently caught the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I swear every time I watch it I tear up when Aragorn says “My friends, you bow to no one” and then he and the whole fucking kingdom kneel down before Rudy and those other hobbits.
11. If I ever get arrested It will be for punching a valet.
Have a great weekend,