Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

1. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.” -W.C. Fields

2. I’m proud to announce NB.com readership has expanded to 26! Special thanks to Winn Elliott, Brittany Sanders, Chris Jaeger, Brian Ramsey, and Jake Griffin. Membership has its privileges.

3. All Christian bookstores smell the same. Why is that?

4. Sometimes in my haste to motor through my post-shower routine I get a bit too aggressive when applying deodorant. Yesterday I jabbed at my underarm in such a hurry I aggravated an armpit nerve, sending a twinge down through my elbow all the way to my fingertips. My arm was tingly for the rest of the day.

5. I used to think that if I never had children I’d end up feeling unfulfilled as a human being, but now I don’t think I want to have any young’n's at all. Does that make me a bad person?

6. The Adventure Science Center has something called the Amazing Age Machine, a photo booth that predicts what you’ll look like in the future. This is me in a few years, compared to what I’d look like as a smoker:

And in twenty-something years?

Either this machine knows more about an impending zombie apocalypse than we do or it simply needs recalibrating. Either way, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

7. “Many hands make light work.” True, but mini hands make it extremely difficult.

Thanks once again to Mark Dusing.

8. Until there’s a better way to get from point A to point B than by driving faster I will continue to exceed the speed limit. And speaking of traffic violations, once the coast is clear why can’t I roll a stop sign? The less I slow down the less I have to re-accelerate, sparing the atmosphere unnecessary toxic carbon monoxide emissions. Argue with that and you hate planet Earth.

9. Crossing guards think they’re such hot shit.

10. Since I can’t seem to summon a halfway decent birdie joke I’ll just say that this is how I’ve felt towards my golf game lately:

Why did I ever pick this God-forsaken game up? I was happier falling down playing soccer.

11. I’m tired of shitty art but at least I’m not making it anymore.

Have a good week,


2 thoughts on “Eleven Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend

  1. re #5: No, it does not make you a bad person. It makes you a BETTER person for realizing BEFORE you have kids that you don’t really want them. Personally, I am not feeling unfulfilled sans kiddos; I am feeling free to do the thousands of things I’d rather do than just about any child management activity. Although, you might think about putting away the money you save by not buying diapers and college tuition. You’ll probablly need it to hire someone to take care of you in your old age.

  2. Personally, I haven’t smelled enough christian bookstores to speculate on that particular issue, but I always wished Doritos would start a line of communion wafers. “This is the body of Cool Ranch Christ.”

    I’m doomed.

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