13 Thoughts Headed into the Week

1. “I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you can see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.” -”Uncle Kurt” Vonnegut

2. At 35 years old I’m having to accept that regular maintenance of body hair is just gonna have to be way of life from here on out. Just this week an employee pointed out to me two rogue hairs, one shooting out from my left eyebrow and one (a “half-incher,” as he put it) from my right ear. If that weren’t bad enough I’m now having to check my nose hairs each morning where before I only needed to assess and address them every two to three months.

Sure, I’m getting up there but at least I have fifteen more years until my first prostate exam. My first official one, at least.

3. I was thinking about getting one of those “Still ‘Hood” decals installed across the top of my windshield. These are definitely cool, right?

I think it’s important to adequately communicate to pedestrians and other motorists that not only was I this way some time ago but that I still am, after all these years, “‘Hood.”

4. Remember last week when I said I’m gonna stop trying to be funny all the time? Well, I just remembered the very first day of First Grade at Arcado Elementary when Mrs. Edwards called me out in front of the whole class for cutting up, adding that “the last thing we need is a class clown.” Though I disagreed, I was totally humiliated. In fact, I don’t think I said another word for two weeks in fear of being reprimanded.

A smarter, well-adjusted kid would have learned some sort of real life lesson from this but all I got from it was that man, Mrs. Edwards is real bitch.

5. Speaking of which, the TV’s on and it just hit me that — brace yourself — the crusty old British bitch from Downton Abbey is the same crusty old nun bitch from Sister Act!

How ’bout that?

6. I wonder if I’ll ever be typecast.

7. A hilarious (and infuriating) conversation I had Friday morning with Patty the Suntrust teller:

Patty: Welcome to Suntrust, what can I do for you?

Me: Hi there. I’m actually here to check on the status of the new debit card I ordered. I placed the order over a month ago through that gentleman (pointing) but two weeks passed and it never came. I then asked you about it and you told me it was never issued so you reordered one for me.

Patty: Sure, I remember you.

Me: Well, that was nearly three weeks ago and I still haven’t received it. Can you help me figure out what’s going on?

Patty: No problem. What’s your account number?

Me:  I don’t know if off hand, but (digging in wallet) maybe you can pull if off my current card even though it’s–

Patty: (taking card) Perfect, that’ll do. (swipes card) Huh… (swipes again) I’m not getting anything here.

Me: Right, you see that’s the card that–

Patty: Let me try swiping it with this plastic bag, that always does the trick (swipes again).

Me: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s gonna work because–

Patty: No, hold on now, I usually have the magic touch (swipes again). Well, maybe not… Hold on, give it just another sec (swipes again, still nothing). Huh, looks like we need to get you a new card, Mr. Beaver!

Me: Exactly. That’s why I’m here.

Patty: Oh, right (giggles). Of course. Well, Mr. Beaver, your new card should arrive in about eight to ten business days.

Me: Thanks. Fingers crossed.

End scene.

I bet everything in my Suntrust account that I’ll have the same conversation with Patty in another eight to ten business days.

8. Last night I dreamed that I went to buy a new car. The salesman told me he’s wasn’t supposed to let me see the lot because I’d ridden my bike there, but that I should wait inside while he asked his supervisor. While inside, another customer kept reaching out and pulling the chest hair exposed by my v-neck undershirt. I tried to punch him in the balls — which were right in front of my face because he was ten feet tall, you see — but I kept swinging and missing. His son took pictures of me while they both laughed. Finally a female customer asked me why I’d ever wear that jacket out of the house claiming that I “look ridiculous in pink silk.”

What does this mean?

9. I only recently learned that when some guy dates a much younger girl it’s called “ROBbing the cradle,” not “ROCKing the cradle.” Thanks a lot, Billy Idol.


So, serving… everybody?

11. Karaoke emcees think they’re such hot shit.

12. Speaking of which: sometimes when using the bathroom (the sit-down kind, not the stand-up kind) first thing in the morning before my shower, I don’t flush immediately so as not to affect the water temperature and/or pressure. I usually remember to flush after my shower but in those rare cases like this morning when I’m in a hurry and forget, poor Lindsey stumbles upon my little surprise a few hours later and texts me about it (NOTES: 1. “Marlene” is Lindsey’s middle name. 2. “Ham and cheese” is an expression we use internally to denote the utmost degree of honesty):

I’m pretty sure it won’t, at least.

13. I learned a new keyboard shortcut this week! Instead of hopping to the mousepad to change fields from “To” to “Cc” when composing in Gmail, just hit “Command+shift+up arrow+C” instead! Totally awesome. You’re welcome.

Until next week,


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