1. “You’re like your older brother, but… evil.” -Gabriel Vinas, to me, circa 2006
2. I’d go to more outdoor music festivals if it weren’t for all the people that go to outdoor music festivals.
3. When I was little there was this man at our church that all the adults called “Flabby Abbey.” Everybody loved him but I remember always feeling a bit sad for the poor bastard.
4. Ever feel like your life’s been misallocated?
5. Yesterday I fell for one of those internet tricks where I’m told to “look closely at the following image for [this or that]” which compels me to put my nose six inches from the screen right before some terrifying image appears out of nowhere accompanied by some hellish scream and I have a heart attack and nearly shit myself. It just about ruined my day.
6. I’m no Hugh Grant super fan or anything but I recently caught the last half of Notting Hill on TV and mentioned to Lindsey how funny and charming I think he is. She freaked out a bit, saying she hated him and that she doesn’t see how anyone could ever like him. We haven’t spoken since but we’re working through it.
7. If it “goes without saying” then there’s no reason not to keep your mouth shut, right?
8. You know those little cardboard thingies they put around to-go coffees to keep them from being too hot to the touch? Well I was on the way out of Edgehill yesterday morning when some lady pointed to my coffee and said, “hey, sorry to bother you, but would you mind telling me where you got those little sleeves?” I answered, “They came with the jacket, of course.” She gave me a sardonic “ha ha” before turning to walk away.
What’s wrong with people? Don’t they know how hard it is to be hilarious before 8am?
9. A few things I learned on a recent trip to Decatur:
- Nobody cares about the wedding musicians, and they shouldn’t
- Never assume that a 400 pound man with a glass eye is lousy at shooting pool
- A credit card will not double as a hotel room key no matter how many times you swipe it
- Siam Thai is still the best Thai restaurant in the universe
- Kevin Durant is better at basketball than I am
- Chick-fil-A has introduced more spicy chicken items to its menu but has discontinued its bleu cheese dressing and as such will soon be receiving a strongly worded letter from yours truly
- Some movie called Vampire Academy is coming out
- That Drake guy isn’t funny
10. I had a real bad lisp when I was little. In fact, in kindergarten I had to take spethial thpeech clatheth inthtead of getting to go to rethess with all the non-retarded kidth.
I hated missing recess but I’m so I got the help I needed. Thankth, Mom and Dad.
11. I’m gonna start making more “international waters” jokes. I’m three for three this year.
12. I saw this billboard yesterday over on Craighead:
So… is this guy supposed to be the patient or the doctor?
13. I wouldn’t wish having my brain on my worst enemy.
Enjoy the rest of your week,
Also, I just joined Instagram. For a new post every two-three weeks, follow me at @nathanbeaver13.