15 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

1. “Nate, are you ever gonna blog again? I’m running out of things to read while I poop.”
-Jason Dillon

2. I was tempted to introduce this post with a big, bold “I’M BACK!” header considering it’s been over a year since my last entry. But, truly being back in form would mean committing to weekly posts, which I’m not sure I’m in a position to do. So, enjoy this post! Just don’t get used to it…yet.

You’re welcome, Dillon.

3. So pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training next week, which is great for die hard Atlanta Braves fans like I used to be. I just can’t do it again this year. It hurts too much. I’m a casual fan now. For real this time.

4. Is this new Jupiter Ascending flick related at all to 1998′s Mercury Rising? If so, how? If  not, shouldn’t it be?

5. A funny conversation I had with a stranger at bar:

Stranger: Anyone sitting here?

Me: Nope, it’s all yours.

Stranger: Great, thanks. So what’s your name, bud?

Me: I’m Nate.

Stranger: Nate, like “Nate Dogg”?

Me: Yeah, like Nate Dogg.

Stranger: That’s cool, man. I love that guy.

Me: You mean “loved,” right?

Stranger: Whaddya mean?

Me: Nate Dogg’s dead, man.

Stranger: Wait, what? Really?

Me: Yeah, he’s been dead for years.

Stranger: Well, that explains why he’s not answering my emails.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

NOTE: Though Nate Dogg is best remembered for his “smoke weed every day” cameo in Snoop Dogg/Dr. Dre’s 2001 “The Next Episode” and his half of 1994′s  “Regulators” with Warren G, I would argue that his vocal stylings in Snoop’s “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homie’s Can’t Have None)” (off 1993′s Doggystyle) represent his finest contribution. But hey, that’s just me.

6. Early during last week’s ice storm I tried to get my truck up and out of my driveway but ended up sliding back down, through the bottom of the driveway, and into my backyard.

The more I tried to free myself from the ice the closer I came to sliding right off into the woods. To add insult to injury, my next-door neighbor Nancy (she must be 100 years old) stuck her head out her window and offered to call me a “wrecker.” Embarrassed enough already, I declined and told her I’d just wait for the ice to clear.

Lindsey’s Honda Fit motored right up the driveway the first time without any problem while my truck was getting stuck, of course. It was extremely emasculating, almost as much as when celebrity chef Aaron Sanchez called out my tiny penis* on camera in front of a would-be national audience during a recent taping of his new show–but I’ll save that story for another time.

*It ain’t tiny, just ask your mom.

7. I hate my singing voice. John Lennon hated his, too. I suppose that’s about all he and I have in common, that and the fact we’ve both been with Asians.

8. Just how essential can these “essential” oils be if I’m 37 years old, never used ‘em, and seem to be doing just fine?

9. I’m tired of people using the excuses “I’m too tired” or “I’m too hungry” or “I’m too drunk” for everything. I mean, aren’t most of us feeling one of these things 90 percent of the time?

10. For Valentine’s Day, Lindsey gave me this customizable little Mad Libs-style book and filled in all its blanks to describe how she feels about me (MOST of it was sweet!). I paused when I flipped to this page, however:

“Why blue?” I asked. She answered, “because you’re pretty, but also sad.”

Huh.

11. Speaking of which, I don’t know if it’s seasonal anxiety disorder, mild depression, frustration, early onset mid-life crisis, late onset ADD, malnourishment, general apathy, or what, but I certainly haven’t been feeling like myself recently. Hell, I’m not even sure I remember what that’s supposed to feel like. Maybe I just need exercise. Maybe I should just go to bed earlier. Maybe I should try writing music again, which always feels good, but I’m always too tired, hungry, and/or drunk.

12. A funny exchange I recently had at work:

Coworker: Nate, if you weren’t running a restaurant, what would you be doing?

Me: I dunno, I’ve always wanted to try my luck as an adult film star.

Coworker: Interesting. First things first, is there anything sexual you wouldn’t be willing to do?

Me: Good question. I definitely don’t want anything in or near my butt.

Coworker: Hmm, okay. Well, what about really large women?

Me: I don’t want them near my butt, either.

Laughter ensues. End scene.

13. In case you’re curious, a WAHL Lithium Ion Detachable Blade Trimmer buzzes perfectly in key with “Champagne Supernova” by Oasis. If you’re somehow even more curious, that key is A major, which means you can tune an orchestra to that shit.

On a not totally unrelated note, does the intro music for Real Time with Bill Maher sound to anyone else like a slightly sped-up and disjointed version of 2Pac/Dre’s “California Love”? Sure as hell does to me. As always, it’s all in the bass line.

14. Speaking of personal grooming, if you’re thinking about trimming your chest hair with your girlfriend’s manicure scissors in one hand (while talking on the phone in the other) so you’ll look halfway presentable in the v-neck sweater you’re planning to wear in a non-profit fundraiser check presentation photo-op you’re already late to, I would strongly advise against it as THIS sort of thing can happen:

Yeah, carved a big chunk out of myself before remembering I was supposed to be wearing the T-shirt anyway:

Just about bled through the damn thing. Also, what’s wrong with my neck?

15. I used to wear vintage clothes from time to time until “vintage” came to mean “hipster.” Those were some good years.

Have a great week,

-Nate

3 thoughts on “15 Thoughts Headed Into the Week

  1. I knew something was missing in my life, thank you for this!

    Boo #3! You can be casual in July. Spring Training is the time where everyone is responding to coaches and preparing for a bounce back season whilst in the best shape of their lives! Plus, Melvin Upton, Jr. is tied for first place in batting average!

    #5. Ain’t No Fun (If The Homies Can’t Have None) is absolutely sensational. Well done.

  2. Regarding #3: For too long now I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship with the Braves. It’s time I remove myself from the situation instead of continuing to allow them to hurt me.

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