1. “If it weren’t for all the joy and merriment, I could really get into Christmas.” -Leigh Houison

2. Sometimes I think it’s funny to watch humans pick up little humans (most often their son, daughter, niece, or nephew) and pass them around like a loaf of bread. I get it, like I said I just think it’s funny.

3. No matter how poorly your car is performing don’t ever take it in to get looked at. They’re just gonna tell you it’s gonna take hundreds of dollars to fix whatever needs fixing (the same reason I refuse to see a psychiatrist).

4. I sat a few tables down from Luke Bryan at a restaurant the other day. You know, to look at the guy you wouldn’t think he’d be capable of writing such a lyrical masterpiece. Shows how much I know.

5. If you guys haven’t seen my good friend Jamie “James” Ponsoldt‘s latest film, Smashed, please do so. It’s honest, real, and very moving… in fact, it’s fantastic in every way and I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t thrust him into directorial superstardom (go here, here, and here for reviews).

Now that I’m thinking about it, Jamie currently resides in LA… maybe he’d use his Hollywood connections to finally get me a shot with Marisa Miller, though from what I hear these days it’d be like throwing the proverbial hot dog down the proverbial hallway:

Still, how ’bout it, Jamie? For old times’ sake?

6. My favorite barbecue in town by far is B&C, located just down the road from me in the Melrose Kroger* shopping center. The pulled pork is exceptional, the sides are second to none (you MUST have the garlic cheese grits), and the sauces are out-of-this-world delicious. The only thing that bothers me, however, is the arrangement of framed photos on the wall just to the left of the cash register:

That’s just great. Before I walk out the door, please remind me that I’m about to eat an adorable little animal that may or may not have once worn a pair of cute-as-hell oversized novelty sunglasses.

7. Speaking of pigs, I’m not a sweaty person but I do sweat more than I’d like to (my odor/wetness phobias are well documented). Question, though: what causes the yellowish hue that appears in the armpits of my undershirts after significant wear? Is it the sweat itself, or is it some chemical in the anti-perspirant/deodorant? In other words, if I were to stop using anti-perspirant/deodorant, would my shirts’ armpits then be devoid of any discoloration?

I’d love to conduct a controlled experiment but there’s no way in hell I’m going without anti-perspirant/deodorant for one day, let alone the weeks or months probably necessary to collect enough significant data.

Hippies, what have YOU learned? Please share.

8. She’s had a hard day, somebody get this kid a drink!

9. A few songs that work well using Hank-related replacement lyrics:

“Always” by Atlantic Starr
Hank you are to me all that a woman should be…

“Mandy” by Barry Manilow
Oh Hankie, well you came and you gave without taking…

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” by Franki Valli
I love you Hankie, and if it’s quite alright I need you Hankie…

There are more songs currently in the rotation but I can’t summon them right now. Also, any suggestions?

10. NB.com readership has expanded to twenty-one! Special thanks to Taylor Hart, James “Teddy” Cheek, and Stacy Sexton. Tell your friends, everybody! Maybe by year’s end we’ll hit the quarter-century mark.

Taylor recently asked me how I know just how many blog readers I have. The thing is, I don’t really know… about a year ago I knew of only ten people that had ever laid eyes on it, so I started with “10″ and added one any time someone new told me they’d read it. I could probably find out exactly how many page views/unique visitors the blog attracts but I’m terrified to do so.

11. Barring any technicalities I’ll be closing on my house on January 24th, which means I’ll be moving in on the 25th. For my first act I’d like to breakdance on the living room hardwood floor after walking through the front door for the first time as the home’s new owner. The problem is, I don’t know any real moves. Would anybody out there be willing to show me some moves?  I’ve got three and a half weeks to learn, I’m light on my feet, and not completely uncoordinated. Also, I don’t need an entire repertoire, just some basic top rock maneuvers and a Zulu spin or two.

Can anyone help? I can pay you back in empty boxes, which for any true breakdancer should be payment enough.

Have a good weekend,

-Nate

*For other anecdotes involving the Melrose Kroger, go here.

1. At age 34 I no longer belong in crowded music venues. I got so hot, anxious, and frustrated at a packed-from-wall-to-wall Mercy Lounge that I was unable to fully enjoy Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit (who sound GREAT with the new violin plater, by the way ).

2. That guy from Rascal Flatts has really let himself go.

-Nate

1. “I don’t believe in ‘pass interference.’ Once the ball’s in the air I think both players should be able to punch, kick, scratch, whatever… and the best man’ll catch it.” -My Dad, every single time we’re in a room together with football on TV

2. I’m happy to announce that the NB.com readership has expanded to a robust eighteen! Thanks are in order to Matt Alexander, fellow native of Gwinnett County, GA, and former Taco Mamacita Nashville compatriot. Good to have you aboard, sir.

3. I think y’all would have really enjoyed the young Nathan Beaver. Vibrant, hopeful, driven.. his whole life ahead of him.

4. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but why is it so important that I “REMOVE CARD QUICKLY” when using plastic to pay for gas at the pump? If for some reason I get distracted and don’t immediately remove my card, what’s the worst that can happen? Should I expect the whole fucking city block to burst into fucking flames? I don’t understand.

Also, I hate buying gas. Instead of just getting to where you’re going, you have to stop and spend $50 on something you never see. It’s the worst.

5. Is this a line from some song I’ve never heard or just an especially shitty bumper sticker?

6. A few nights ago I dreamed I was in a club-level box at Turner Field (except it wasn’t Turner Field–you know how dreams go). A foul ball shot into our seats, and before I knew it a dozen people including me had dropped their drinks and hit the floor to scramble for a baseball that was still rattling around like hell. I emerged from the scrum with the ball, then promptly stood up and brandished it high in the air for the cameras (like all those idiots on TV do). The crowd went nuts. Play continued as I sat back down to enjoy the rest of the game, then I took my first look at the baseball in my hand. It boasted one signature: my own.

What does this mean?

7. I’m sure by now you’ve seen the most recent TiVo ad (pictured) and/or commercial.

Well, it’s clear the TiVo ad men have been reading my blog in desperate search for inspiration (from NB.com 1/14/2012: “11 Thoughts Headed Into the Weekend, Saturday Version”):

Now, against my better judgement I WON’T be writing a strongly worded letter demanding that these hack artists give me a percentage of any profits generated by the campaign, but I WILL ask that my readers (all 18 of you) simply recognize that it was MY idea first.

8. I forget, when am I supposed to use “Hispanic” versus “Latino” and vice versa, again? Can someone please explain this to me? I tend to default to “Hispanic,” you know, with Latino being a dead language and all…

Speaking of Hispanic (Latino?), my kitchen guys laughingly refer to one of our servers as “Chocha.” I thought it was just the Spanish version of his name (Joshua) until I looked it up. Now that I know what it means, I think it’s as funny as they do.

9. Every time I try to do a Chewbacca impersonation it sounds instead like a shitty imitation of those cars on the Jetsons.

10. I feel bad for kids numbers 93 and up. Why don’t THEY get Christmas wishes?

NOTE: Getting this joke requires a rudimentary knowledge of lyrics to one very popular Christmas song.

11. Because of the diverse clientele I always feel guilty asking for “white American” when my Subway sandwich artist asks me which cheese I want, but not nearly as guilty as I feel when requesting “dark meat” at the strip club.

12. Somebody awhile back (and I have a pretty good idea who it is) thought it would be funny to sign me up for dozens of catalogs. I spent the better part of 2012 removing myself from these mailing lists (both print and online) and have successfully unsubscribed from all but one:

I’m still getting emails from this God-forsaken store despite having checked the “I would like to unsubscribe from ALL email publications” box every day for the last two weeks. I even get a “We’re sorry to see you go” message, then of course the next day I get another email telling me about a can’t-miss deal on “personalized water globes for her” or some shit like that.

Where does it end? Probably nowhere. What recourse do I have? None, I fear.

13. I recently found a house that’s perfect for me and I’m making a real push to buy it. Two bedrooms, big-ass living room, basement/attic, fenced-in back yard for Hank, etc. The house sits right across the street from a high-rise old folks’ home, so I figure when I finally pay off the mortgage thirty years from now I can simply move across the street to die. Like I said, it’s perfect for me.

Have a great weekend,

-Nate

1. Oh God please let the Braves win this game.

Have a great weekend,

-nb

1. “Put THAT in your blog and smoke it.” -Idiot coworker, to me

2. Today is the first day of my one-week vacation. I couldn’t afford to go anywhere, so I’m sticking around town. Apparently this is called a “staycation” but I’m uncomfortable with the term and would be just fine if I never heard it again. Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

3. Another candidate for Blog Comment of the Year (from Mark Blumberg, in response to last week’s question regarding reality shows and blurred faces):

Nathan, those unfortunate souls whose faces are blurred on such reality shows as COPS and The Beverly Hillbillies are suffering from a degenerative disease commonly known as Facial und Kranial Deresolution or FUKD (named by a german doctor with a penchant for clever acronyms). It is a sad sad condition through which one’s face slowly pixelates, thrusting the sufferers further and further into visual obscurity. It can also, however, affect the chest and genital regions which has launched the careers of many B movie actresses…often featured on late night TBS und/ober USA T&A Matinees.

It’s now a three-horse race for NB.com’s BCOTH. Best of luck to Curtbag, the chemically imbalanced KT, and now Mark. May the best man win.

4. Speaking of NB.com, this week I was notified of the following new subscribers:

cafeeladult@brightadult.com
tbrightadult@kissadulttoys.com
bbkissadulttoys@onsaleadult.com
bdfeeladult@onsaleadult.com
bhloginadulttoys@onsaleadult.com

Do you see a theme, here? Should I be worried?

5. Most of you have driven by this Wedgewood shop a hundred times, but have you ever noticed anything strange about it?

If not, look again. Surely they’ve noticed, right?

6. Cats United had a bye week last Sunday, so nothing to report from my church soccer league. Team “Snappy Amici 1″ better watch out this Sunday, though, as a two-week layoff can work wonders for a team whose average age is 40-something.

7. Yesterday I saw a commercial for the latest product from the Nyquil line, “Zzzquil“.

“Not for colds. Not for pain. Just for sleep.”

For someone with chronic sleep issues I’m very intrigued, though disappointed to learn it’s not habit-forming.

8. A funny exchange I had with a co-worker:

Me: Would you rather drink non-alcoholic beer or have protected sex?

Ryan: Probably the first one… at least non-alcoholic beer tastes like real beer.

Me: That’s funny, Ryan. I’m writing that one down.

Ryan: Is it gonna make the blog?

Me: We’ll see.

9. It looks like I’m unofficially retired from singing, songwriting, and performing. I won’t go into why except to say that apparently I can no longer sing, write, or perform.

10. Sometimes I’ll be out and about and a blog idea will hit me. If I don’t have a pen and paper, I’ll email myself the idea so as not to forget it. Seconds later I’ll see that I have a new email in my inbox and get a little excited about it (like I do with any new email), having immediately forgotten that I’d just emailed myself. Then I’ll open that email only to find that it’s the one I just sent. Then, I’ll feel like a dumb ass, often taking it one step further to wonder why anyone would want to hang out with me, ever.

Like I’ve said before, I’m not well most of the time.

11. Hank Beaver, the most adorable stripper ever.

Have a great weekend,

-nb

1. “I wish Nathan was never born.” -Andy Beaver, age 13, milliseconds before Susan Beaver, age 38, slapped the shit out of him for being a petulant little bitch

2. After I guaranteed victory last Sunday, we defeated a team called “6 Pack” by a score of 3-2. It should have been 10-2 but our finishing was lacking, mine especially. Anyway, my boy Brent had a nice game winner, I got warned for my language, and my coach took his shirt off. Never a dull moment, I know. I want that championship T-shirt. Stay tuned.

3. One of my readers is a racist, and not even a funny one.

4. Nobody ever answered my question about reality shows like COPS or whatever and why some people’s faces are blurred out and others aren’t. Are there any TV producers, lawyers, or even racists out there that can explain this to me? Thanks in advance.

5. Sunday morning I woke up around 8am to someone knocking. I went to the door, half-naked and still half-asleep, and opened it to find a well-dressed old man who handed me this magazine:

What a hilariously fitting title. Anyway, I listened to what he had to say, then went back to bed thinking about all the violence I’d commit later that day.

6. These poor NFL replacement refs are breaking my heart. Sure, it’s funny as hell, but keep in mind that these guys have loved ones watching them.

7. Barring any major catastrophes (see last year), the Braves will be in a one-game playoff here in a few weeks to see who makes it to the postseason. That’s right, after nearly six months and 162 games, it will come down to a one-game, winner-moves-on-loser-goes-home contest. And I hate it.

It would be like settling an epic chess match with rock-paper-scissors and not even going two-out-of-three. Or something like that.

Also, I’m trusting this is the year that the Atlanta Braves, Georgia Bulldogs, and Atlanta Falcons all bring home championships. You heard it here first.

8. Which reminds me, you’d have to be an idiot to think you can jinx your team out of winning by saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong shirt, sitting on the wrong side of the couch, etc. But if for some reason you could, wouldn’t all the jinxing done by fans of opposing teams all cancel each other out anyway?

10. This is my new favorite thing:

Sure, it’s made with only “16 percent orange juice,” but when the other 84 percent is vodka you’ve really got something special.

11. If you think THIS album cover is totally awesome…

…you’re sure to enjoy the rest (NSFW).

12. My non-profit, Poverty is Real, now has a title sponsor for its Nashville event! Special thanks to Winn and Brite Revolution for signing on. We’re gonna make beautiful music together, I know it. More to come…

Hey Twitterers! Take a quick sec to follow @PIRNashville. Please and thank you.

13. Today is the last day of summer, which means my SAD will be kicking in any day now. My apologies in advance.

Have a great weekend,

-nb

1. “I used to be fast, but I dropped the ‘s’.” -Scott Sanders

2. So we lost our first soccer game in embarrassing fashion. I don’t even know what the final score was — I lost count after they scored their ninth goal to our lousy three.

Coach Sohrabi almost got kicked out for dissent. I almost got in a fight with their fat ass Joaquin-Phoenix-look-a-like sweeper. They were young, we were old.

I’ve circled the rematch on the calendar. It’s church league soccer, which begs the question: what does the Bible say about revenge and how important it is to get it? I’m pretty sure it’s in there somewhere.

3. I happened to hear 30 seconds of Poison’s “Unskinny Bop” the other day. One look at the lyrics — “like gasoline you want to pump me,” for example — tells us what the song’s about, but where the hell does the term “Unskinny Bop” come from? Not that it’s been keeping me up at night or anything, but it did pique my curiosity. According to the Google machine, the term either served as a lyrics placeholder (a la “Scrambled Eggs“) or was coined after a drunken C.C. DeVille hit his head while fighting off a pair of overweight prostitutes. I like to think it’s the latter. Either way, I feel better now that I know.

This is the second Bret Michaels reference in two weeks. Don’t think that doesn’t make me a little bit uncomfortable. Also, speaking of C.C., go HERE (fast forward to the 7:18 mark) for one of my favorite terrible rock ‘n’ roll quotes of all time.

4. I’m happy to announce that the NB.com following has expanded to seventeen! Special thanks to Amanda Partin Ray, Rachel Pitt, Denae Gaunce, and Sabrina Shelfer (despite your UF allegiance) for increasing readership by nearly 25 percent. This might warrant another open letter to advertisers..

Four more readers for every one person I piss off? I’ll take that any day.

5. Speaking of ads, did anyone catch that Pamprin commercial during the first quarter of the Packers/Bears game last night? Doesn’t seem like they really reached their target audience, but what do I know?

6. I just realized today that I haven’t caught the Rosie O’Donnell show in a while. Then I learned NBC cancelled it back in 2002. What a shame.

7.  A funny conversation I had yesterday out back with Lee, the Edgehill Villiage maintenance man/janitor and the spitting image of Old Man Marley from Home Alone:

Me: What’s up Lee, what can I do for you?

Lee: (irritated) Hey, will you PLEASE tell your crew to break down these damn boxes before throwing them in this dumpster? I mean… shit, man.

Me: No problem, Lee, and sorry. We’ve been pretty good about this lately. This must’ve been one of the new guys, I’ll be sure to let him know.

Lee: Thanks, man. And can you please tell ‘em not to throw these fuckin’ tin cans in here either? It says very clearly right here, “CARDBOARD ONLY.”

Me: Sure thing Lee, and again, I’ll spread the word. Break down boxes and no cans. Got it. Again, I apologize.

Lee: I mean… shit, man. (crawls into dumpster) Seems like every day I have to tell y’all this. It’s my job to come over here and stomp down the boxes, but it ain’t my job to break ‘em down. It also ain’t my job to fish out the cans when your crew is too dumb to read the sign.

Me: I hear you man, loud and clear.

Lee: Alright, thanks (crawls out of dumpster and shuts lid). Believe it or not, I’m retirin’ here in about a month. Yeah man, come mid-October and I’m done with this shit.

Me: Really? Good for you man, I bet that feels great.

Lee: Hell yeah it does. And I’ll tell you somethin’ else, too. I got over a hundred and fourteen thousand dollars in the bank, so I won’t have to do shit. Pretty sweet, huh? Can’t wait ’til my last day when I can finally tell all y’all to go fuck yourselves.

Me: Wait, even me?

Lee: Nah, you’re cool.

End scene.

8. A coworker recently told me about a new Nashville restaurant called “Donk’s,” lauded as “the Hooters of asses.” The web site boasts a staff that will “please your service needs and be candy to your eyes.”

I have only one question: who’s coming with me?

9. When did “shipping and handling” become “processing and handling”? Billy Mays is rolling around in his grave.

Wait… he’s dead, right?

10. I’ve said this before (December of last year, in fact) and I’ll say it again: I assure you that nobody cares about your fantasy football team. The only things we care less about are photos of your most recent vacation and the “crazy” dream you had last night*.

11. The experts are projecting the Braves to be in the Wild Card play-in game at the conclusion of the regular season. I’d rather go 0-162 all season than be in this game and lose it. I’m getting heart palpitations just thinking about it. I’m not well, most of the time.

Have a great weekend,

-nb

* No, the hypocrisy here is NOT lost on me.

I just turned on ESPN and remembered the photo I took last Saturday:

This is so, so funny to me. I want to be friends with this guy.

Thank God he’s not a Georgia Tech fan.

-Nate

1. “You look more like someone who should be fixing my computer than someone who’s serving me drinks.” -Customer, to me

2. According to Ananda Varma at FastWebHost.com, my blog was “compromised” this week… When clicking “Blog” from the NB.com home page, this is all that would come up:

Apparently Tim Tebow hacked my blog (zing!). Or maybe I just pissed off the wrong person, like this guy, this guy, or this lady…

3. Every so often I get so bored that I consider finding Jesus again so I’ll have someone to talk to. I’ve surely done stranger things out of loneliness.

4. For the first time in nearly five years I’m playing organized soccer again. My old high school coach, Coach Sohrabi, called me up to see if I wanted to join the church league team he put together. I happily obliged despite one very big catch (from FPC Adult Co-Ed Soccer League Rules, General Policies, Number 2):

“NO FOUL LANGUAGE: Any words you wouldn’t use when talking to your mother, don’t use during the soccer game.”

Fuck me, are you serious? I’ll be lucky to make it through the first half.

Sunday’s game is at 1:30pm at Oak Hill Presbyterian on Franklin Road, just across from Overton High School. I’d recommend you wait at least until Sunday School lets out to begin tailgating. Thanks.

5. Did any of your teachers ever have this sign posted on his or her desk?

My ninth grade geometry teacher did. After she brought our attention to it on the first day of class, I raised my hand and said “Mrs. Adams, I don’t get it. Am I being obtuse?”

I was not her favorite student. I wasn’t Mrs. Harville’s favorite, either.

6. I recently told Lindsey something I’d previously told only one other person. Now she says I probably need therapy. Maybe she’s right.

I tried therapy once before (it didn’t take), but I think I could be up for it again if there were a way to combine it with golf lessons. It certainly would help me get in touch with my anger.

7. Just about every time I encounter someone wearing a Braves hat, I say “Go Braves” as if to say “I share your enthusiasm for the Atlanta Braves and appreciate your public show of support.” I usually get an affirmative “Go Braves” in return, but every so often there’s some guy that doesn’t seem to have any idea what I’m talking about. He’ll either look totally confused or act like I’ve said something offensive. Why are you wearing the hat then, asshole? You know that doesn’t stand for “Abercrombie,” right? What a hack.

Also, this weekend marks Chipper’s final games in NYC. Give ‘em hell, Larry!

8. Now that I’m a watch guy, I feel naked when I forget to put it on…. not in a good way, like when I forget to put on pants, but in a bad way, like when Grandpa does.

9. Speaking of which, remember that movie Wild Things? Right when it came out, I heard someone say “Has anyone seen Wild Things yet? I hear you get to see Kevin’s Bacon.” I always thought that was funny. Also, Denise Richards, where have you (and that bottle of champagne) gone?

10. A friend of mine, Denae Nicole Gaunce, recently asked me the following hilarious question:

“In order to pee a guy needs to have a boner, right?”

Bless your heart, Denae. And no, we tend to pee flaccid. You’ve obviously never seen The Goonies, either. 

11. I swear to God, sometimes even I look at him and think he’s not real.

12. A funny conversation I had with Lindsey:

Me: When people ask me how tall I am, I like to say “five-foot-nine soaking wet.” Is that funny?

L: But you’re not five-foot-nine.

Me: I’m afraid you’re missing the point.

L: I’m afraid you’re not tall enough to reach it.

Then I beat her. End scene.

13. I’m thinking about getting a Bluetooth. Those are still cool, right?

Have a great weekend,

-nb

SPOILER ALERT: At the end of this post, you will regret the two and a half minutes you spent reading it.

1. ”If you can’t take the heat, get out of the heat.” -Spencer Smith (though for years I thought it was a Matt Maudsley original)

2. I went to last night’s Vanderbilt vs. South Carolina game… by myself. I tailgated… by myself. Totally awesome, or totally lame?

Also, I tried to work my way into about five different corn hole games but no one would let me in. What gives, Vandy fans? No faith in a self-proclaimed “ringer”? I was wearing black and everything.

3. As I write this, the Food Network is on in the background. Have you ever seen Paula Deen with her son Jamie on camera? I’m pretty sure they’re sleeping together, y’all.

4. First, PetSmart…

Then, Snapple…

Leave me alone, Bret. Also, what’s wrong with your nut sack?

5. If I were to ever rob a bank, I’d definitely target the Suntrust on 8th Avenue. If a simple request for a check deposit can catch them off guard there’s no telling what a ski mask, a sawed-off, and a couple smoke grenades could do.

6. A funny conversation I had with Trish at Great Clips.

Trish: Okay, how’s that look?

Me: Looks great, thanks! If you wouldn’t mind, though, just hack off my side burns real fast and I’ll be out of your hair.

(Trish grabs clippers)

Me: Yep. That’s all, then I’m out of your hair…

Trish: Okay! You’re all set. Thanks again.

Me: (sigh) You’re welcome.

If they don’t get it, is it funny?

7. Could I be arrested for #5?

8. I like to think that back in the 1970s George Gervin was approached by at least one adult film director for a “The Iceman Cometh” remake.

9. Excuse me ma’am… my name is Nate… listen, it’s 12:30 pm at Subway… on behalf of the twenty people in line behind you, could you please get the fuck off your phone? Thanks!

10: A funny exchange I had with a coworker:

Coworker: Nate! Did you hear that Robert Randolph came in last night? I swear I could die now.

Me: Oh, you’re all talk.

If they don’t get it, is it mean?

11. I’m waiting for the perfect opportunity to use the line “ain’t too proud to blog,” but I’m not sure it’s gonna happen.

12. Blogging is like serial killing: you’re nobody until you’ve inspired copycats. Nice work, Elizabeth. And yes, I think it’s funny.

13. I recently learned (thank you, Ryan Ellis) that discharge from the anal sacs of the North American beaver is often combined with beaver urine for use as tincture in perfumes and also as a food additive. No joke.

Don’t get any ideas. No one’s getting anywhere close to my ass until I’m 50.

Have a great weekend,

-nb

For more (and admittedly, sometimes less) hilarity, follow me on Twitter

1. “I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.” -Neil Armstrong

2. Only assholes correct people’s grammar. In an effort to be less of an asshole, I’m gonna try not to correct people’s grammar anymore — except for when someone’s already being an asshole themselves. For example:

Asshole: “There’s no way that dude’s smarter than me.”

Me: Don’t you mean “smarter than I,” asshole?

3. When the Forever Stamp is available, why would you ever buy any other kind of stamp?

That’d be like going to Ryan’s Steakhouse and paying the full buffet price for just the mashed potatoes and gravy. Or something like that.

4. When people use the term “ghetto” to describe a neighborhood, event, restaurant, etc., do they really think a) that we don’t know what they really mean (“black”), and b) that by using this substitute term we won’t think he or she is a racist?

Do you like your new place? I hear that’s a ghetto neighborhood. Racist.

The food’s great, but I hear it’s pretty ghetto in there. Also racist.

No thanks, that’s a little too ghetto for me. Fucking RACIST.

5. My buddy Cal recently introduced me to his new friend, the one and only Brooke Hogan, who moved to Nashville a couple of months ago.

Minutes after our introduction, Cal — a Twins fan — happened to bring up Kent Hrbek and the 1991 World Series, and I totally freaked out on him (as I like to think any Braves fan would). I later apologized for overreacting but apparently Brooke’s first impression of me was not a good one:

Sorry, Brooke. Please watch THIS VIDEO (which I’m sure Cal failed to show you ’cause he knows it’s a horse shit call) to understand where I’m coming from.

Also, I can’t BELIEVE the video is titled “gantcheats.” Ridiculous.

6. When I was a kid I went to church all the time. Every Sunday morning, evening, and Wednesday night, without fail — church was all I knew. After Sunday morning services, we’d often grab lunch at a neighboring restaurant (when Mom didn’t make us eat leftovers). I remember sitting there in my shirt and tie at Fuddruckers, Morrison’s Cafeteria, or (if I’d been a good boy) Chili’s, and seeing all the “normal people” in regular non-church clothes. I remember thinking, what are these people doing here? Don’t they go to church?

Nowadays it’s quite the opposite. I’ll be out on a Sunday afternoon, most likely drinking a beer and/or watching football, and I’ll see a well-dressed couple or family stroll in, obviously straight from the sanctuary to have lunch — and I think to myself, what are these people doing here?

I keep forgetting that people still go to church. Is that bad?

7. Would it have been funny if I’d said “I’d forgotten that people still go to church religiously”?

8. I’m watching COPS as I type this. Two questions: a) Why are some people’s faces blurred out and others aren’t? If the answer is “because some folks sign papers to allow their faces to be featured,” why the hell would ANY of these idiots do so? b) Is it weird that I end up feeling sad and sorry for 99 percent of the criminals, even though they’ve done dreadful things to innocent people?

I guess that’s three questions, after all.

9. When I was six, I liked that song “Wake Me Up Before you Go Go.” What does this say about me?

10. My best friend (pictured) thinks this blog totally sucks.

11. Does everyone feel like they’re the only one that refills the printer paper?

12. I recently heard “Carribean Queen” by Billy Ocean (check the bitchin’ video!), which features the line “she was the cream.” Man, I’m bringing that shit back.

13. Don’t you think blind folks would appreciate it if someone would develop a walking stick that also doubles as a metal detector? I sure do.

14. Yesterday, the great Neil Armstrong died. Yesterday, I also ran into Mr. Weatherby, one of my elementary school teachers who also sponsored my Young Astronauts Club in fourth grade. I can’t help but think these two events are related.

15. I hope it’s not too unpatriotic to say I’m not always proud to be an American.

Hope you had a great weekend,

-Nate

NOTE: I just fact-checked with a dozen different lyrics sites and each suggests that the Billy Ocean line is either “she was the QUEEN” or “she was the DREAM.” I still maintain that he’s saying CREAM. You be the judge. Also: Is it interesting at all that Billy “Ocean” had a hit song with the word “Caribbean” in the title? And don’t give me that “technically-the-Caribbean-is-a-sea-not-an-ocean” bullshit… 

Man, Hank is right.